Student Teaching During a Global Pandemic

It’s funny, I joke to my friends that in billy Madison but now I love my path. I used to envy people that knew their life calling from the time they were 18 but now I don’t. After graduating college with a communications degree, because my mother sort of steered me away from education knowing the struggles that teachers face, I delved right back towards working with children. Upon earning my bachelor’s degree I ended up teaching pre-k, then working as a paraprofessional in LLD and Behaviorally Disruptive classrooms, and have genuinely never been happier in my life. I’ve always loved working with kids, but after being introduced to special education it solidified the fact that I could not deny my calling.

I’m especially confident that I made the right choice after I had to leave my job as a para a few weeks before school let out to begin graduate school in order to earn my teaching certification, masters in education, and special ed. Certification. Mind you I’m only half done and 28 (hence the billy Madison joke), and I’ve never been so confident that I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. I know this because during my last day one of my students, who I primarily worked with one on one, started breaking down in tears, as I did. Mind you this is the type of kid that acts tough as nails and that a bystander would probably expect the least reaction from. Fortunately, I wrote him a note telling him how much I believe him and what a great kid he is. I’ll never forget hugging him before he got on the bus at the end of the day and whispering in his ear “read my note when you get home”. As much as this was a sad moment I knew I was doing the right thing pursuing my gut instinct to become a special ed teacher. This is the educational and personal aspect of being a teacher that I love, and this is what I’m good at. It’s essentially like the starfish poem that I’ve posted elsewhere in my blog, even if you make a difference in one kid’s life, you’re doing something right. 

Fast forward to a year later, or the present day, and I’ve been gradually been student teaching in Neptune, New Jersey since September. Quite different from the primarily white, middle to upper-class population of students that I have been working with for the past few years, becoming a teacher has taken on an even deeper meaning for me. I know that probably statistically you may make less money working in an urban school district, but to put it frankly I don’t care. These kids needed me, and I needed them. Having been placed in a classroom with 20 third graders of an expansive variety of abilities, I have learned an immense amount about teaching, education, culture, and different types of students. I always thought I preferred working with students in grades pre-k through 2, but after working with my amazing cooperating teacher LaWanda, I couldn’t help but request to stick with her for my phase 3 of student teaching 3rd grade five days of the week in the fall. 

When COVID-19 happened I have never felt for the students more in my life. I will never forget being on a Zoom meeting with my Neptune district partner leader and other students in my cohort. Similar to me, some of the other student teachers expressed concern about not being able to contact certain students or students not participating in general. It was at that point that my partner leader, a former teacher in the Neptune district explained that a lot of these kids’ parents are the ones working overtime right now whether it be as a nurse, home care aid, Walmart, or McDonald’s, etc. and realistically are too tired or don’t have enough time to help their kids complete their school work. That hit me in a whole another level. It was then that I made an unspoken promise that I would be there for these kids to the best of my ability.

Granted I am limited in how much I am able to contact them and wanted to support my cooperating teacher in whatever way possible, I mostly recorded myself doing read alouds and creating Kahoot quizzes. Nevertheless, despite my semester ending 3 weeks ago I’ve written each of my 20 students handwritten notes along with the pen pal form, envelopes, and stamps just to let them know that I am thinking of them. Truthfully, I don’t expect them to all write back, but as long as they know that they are not forgotten and acknowledged for enduring this pandemic, that’s all I care about.

“Life is what you make it”.

A strong yet simple concept that apparently I need to be reminded of.

The first thought that comes to my mind is how my kids in school must look

up to us adults and think, “gee, they must have it all figured out”. I know I did

when I was that age.

Boy are they wrong.  If that was the case I would have saved myself a whole

lot of time and money, haha.

Truth is, at the ripe old age of 27, I am just now starting to see my life as I truly

want it to be.  Although, now that my eye is on the prize of the big picture, I

have come to the realization that it is solely up to me to achieve it.

Up until recently my life motto has been, “I get by”. I’m finally realizing that

“getting by” isn’t good enough for me. I want to make things happen and I

want to feel proud about it. Now that is the type of example I want to set for

my students.

The good news is if there’s anything I’ve learned along the way from friends

and peers, it’s that there’s no time limit on these things.

I remember when I was in 5th Grade my class consistently worked on an

“All About Me” book throughout the year. One page that particularly stands

out to me is the one where we had to draw what our future looked like in

5 years, 10 years, 15 years and 20 years. For the 5 years slot I drew a picture

of my friends and I being in the variety show in high school (not accurate but

not far off either). For the 10 years slot I drew a picture of me in a black mini

dress, drinking beer at a bar (extremely accurate). For the 15 years slot I

included a picture of me as a newlywed and working as a full time

veterinarian (extremely inaccurate). And lastly, for the 20 years slot,

which I am steadily approaching, I drew a picture of me standing in front of

a big beautiful house with my husband and three kids (could not be any

farther from the truth).

In reality, I’m 27, still live at home, and barely getting by financially despite

working 6 days a week. The good news though is that I’m slowly but surely

achieving my goals. I may not be able to change the things in my past, nor

do I want to, but I sure as hell have control over the person I will become.

New Chapter/Blank Slate

Truthfully speaking, over the course of the past month and a half I have A) Broken up with my long-term boyfriend (first love/the inevitable), B) Graduated from Rutgers University (finally!), and C) Am essentially in the process of being financially cut-off from my parents (oh fuck...). Needless to say, I am currently at a major turning point in my life. For the first time ever, I am pretty much on my own. During the initial occurrence of all these changes I felt very lost and slightly scared. Nonetheless, now that I have had some time to fully accept and process all of these different life-changing situations that I have recently encountered, I have finally come to the realization that I should look at this time as an exciting new chapter/blank slate in my life during which I can build a bright and exciting future. 

With that said, I would like to begin this new stage in my life on a positive note. Last night for some reason, most likely because I decided to skip out on my own graduating class's big commencement speech and attended the smaller ceremony instead, I started searching YouTube for some past significant graduation speeches. Much to my surprise, one of the most impactive/influential college commencement speeches given that I stumbled upon was given by Conan O'Brien from 2011 at Dartmouth College. Shocking I know, haha (I've always personally been more of a Jay Leno fan myself). Nevertheless, one aspect of Conan's speech that especially stood out to me was when he said, "Well it's simple. There are few things more liberating in this life then having your worst fear realized". 

In relation to my own life, this could not be more true. Yes, over the past several years I admit I have probably taken for granted/over-enjoyed the presence of having a lover next to me every night, as well as the freedom being in college gives you, and the financial support my parents have always provided me with. Deep down however, I have always known that none of these things would ever last, despite no matter how much I had wanted them to. Well, now that they are all finally becoming a reality, it's like I said, at first it sucks, but as Conan said, eventually it all feels extremely liberating. 

For the first time in a long time, I truly have the world at my feet and am free to do anything. In fact, I'm already starting to have fun exploring all the different possibilities life has to offer. On that note, here's to new beginnings- *Cheers!* (:

You are Young and You Must be Living

Ever since I began commuting to school, I’ve actually come to appreciate the forty-five minute drive. Particularly on summer nights like tonight when the sun is setting and I’m driving home alone with the music blasting, I find it gives me time to really contemplate life and clear my mind. During my drive home tonight I, for some reason (perhaps the fact that I’m taking summer courses), started to really think about college, the real world, and where I stand with it all.

Given I failed to graduate on time with the rest of my class, I think I’m officially labeled as one those morons who are on a ”five year plan” just to receive their fucking bachelors degree. Truthfully, throughout my freshman and sophomore years (ok and maybe most of my junior year too…) I never took college seriously. Under the impression that I would somehow be young and drunk forever, I failed to think of college as a way to prepare myself for the rest of my life. Although I don’t regret any of the times I missed class because I was too hung over, or when I decided to change my major a million times, I am definitely dealing with the consequences now.

Nevertheless, if being a super-senior has made me realize anything it is that the transition into your 20’s brings on a whole new stage in life. Interestingly enough, I’ve found there comes a time when you’re hangovers somehow become worse and getting shitfaced at an overcrowded college bar four nights a week eventually loses its appeal. Don’t get me wrong- the several years I spent nonstop binge drinking, experimenting with various substances, and surviving solely on adderrall, cigarettes, and eggo waffles during the prime of my college experience were some of the best years of my life.  

Now however, as I continue to grow further into my 20’s life is exciting in a whole new way. From my perspective, this is the only period of time in your life that you get to live in between college and the real world. Therefore I believe it is important to take advantage of your freedom and independence, and really explore anything and everything. Whether it means moving across the country or simply trying out a hobby that will challenge you in a new way, this stage in life truly has no boundaries.

So although I may have no idea where I'm headed or what the hell I want to do with my life, I intend to have a lot of fun finding out. :)

lost in my mind

Everyone has their own way of escaping reality when life's challenges become a bit too much to bare. For some it means going for a run or talking things over with a friend. For me it means sitting on my back deck in the middle of the night with nothing but the sound crickets sporadically chirping in the woods surrounding my house, just chain-smoking and taking note of these crazy rambling thoughts that consume my mind or smoking a bowl and writing in my journal. However, it is just now hitting me that these little escapes from the world, whatever they may be, don't actually solve all that much. Sure they may make you feel a little better, but they're ultimately just a temporary fix. Unless you stop fretting over life's burdens and start to actually do something about them, nothings ever going to change.

Come as you are

(written fall semester 2011)
Have you ever wondered where things come from or why we are who we are? As I sit here on this bench in the middle of campus I look at all these different people and think about how they all have their own lives, their own problems, their own ambitions. And of all these bodies fate chose this one for me; and for that I am eternally grateful. But seriously, think about it, for the amount of things we may have in common with another person, there are even more things that make us different. There's over a billion people in the world but I'm me, and you're you. 

times they are a changin'

Every decade and generation is known for something. In the 20’s it was the flappers, the 30’s was the Great Depression, the 40’s was World War II, the 50’s were full of greasers’ and housewives, the 60’s were an era of youth, change, and hippies, the 70’s were all about bell bottoms, disco, and Farrah Fawcett, the 80’s were of course filled with big hair and retro fashion trends, the 90’s were a decade of grunge and good TV, the first decade of the new millennium was defined by major technology breakthroughs (facebook, ipods, etc.), and this latest 2010 decade is know for, hmmm I don’t really know, sucking? For that reason I am happy I’m not any younger, because it seems that with each new decade our lives and environment become just a little more doomed. If I were able to choose any generation to live in the prime of my youth I would choose the 1960’s, hands down. I spend a lot of time thinking about random things, but what my life would be like if I grew up in the 60’s crosses my mind a lot.

I would give anything to be able to tell my future children and grandchildren I listened to the Grateful Dead, The Who, Janis Joplin, Crosby Stills & Nash, and other amazing music artists at Woodstock instead of fucking Lil’ Wayne at PNC. I wish I could wear what I wanted and do what I wanted without being judged, and I wish I could enjoy my youth without having to worry about breaking laws. The other night I was looking through my past journal entries and not too far back I wrote, “I think the reason I feel like I belong in the 60’s so much is because they did things for better reasons. I mean I’m sure that when they were in high school or whatever they did something or other because of influences too, but I feel like at the end of the day they took note of the things that really mattered.” I’m pretty sure I was incredibly high when I wrote this, but I make a good point. It seems that everything about the 60’s was just genuinely real; it’s as simple and amazing as that.

I am by no means any sort of history buff, so I’m sure there are some points you could challenge me on, but I know enough. And I know I belong in the 60’s. I feel like people in the 60’s not only gave a fuck, but also did something about it. Whether it was music and fashion, or feminism and minorities’ rights, people poured their souls into fighting for what they believed. I mean shit, the youth of the 60’s were responsible for an epic social revolution that is still part of the reason why people aren’t afraid to express themselves today. This generation didn’t just exist like most others; they actually lived.

“The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn't the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.” –John Lennon