Student Teaching During a Global Pandemic

It’s funny, I joke to my friends that in billy Madison but now I love my path. I used to envy people that knew their life calling from the time they were 18 but now I don’t. After graduating college with a communications degree, because my mother sort of steered me away from education knowing the struggles that teachers face, I delved right back towards working with children. Upon earning my bachelor’s degree I ended up teaching pre-k, then working as a paraprofessional in LLD and Behaviorally Disruptive classrooms, and have genuinely never been happier in my life. I’ve always loved working with kids, but after being introduced to special education it solidified the fact that I could not deny my calling.

I’m especially confident that I made the right choice after I had to leave my job as a para a few weeks before school let out to begin graduate school in order to earn my teaching certification, masters in education, and special ed. Certification. Mind you I’m only half done and 28 (hence the billy Madison joke), and I’ve never been so confident that I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. I know this because during my last day one of my students, who I primarily worked with one on one, started breaking down in tears, as I did. Mind you this is the type of kid that acts tough as nails and that a bystander would probably expect the least reaction from. Fortunately, I wrote him a note telling him how much I believe him and what a great kid he is. I’ll never forget hugging him before he got on the bus at the end of the day and whispering in his ear “read my note when you get home”. As much as this was a sad moment I knew I was doing the right thing pursuing my gut instinct to become a special ed teacher. This is the educational and personal aspect of being a teacher that I love, and this is what I’m good at. It’s essentially like the starfish poem that I’ve posted elsewhere in my blog, even if you make a difference in one kid’s life, you’re doing something right. 

Fast forward to a year later, or the present day, and I’ve been gradually been student teaching in Neptune, New Jersey since September. Quite different from the primarily white, middle to upper-class population of students that I have been working with for the past few years, becoming a teacher has taken on an even deeper meaning for me. I know that probably statistically you may make less money working in an urban school district, but to put it frankly I don’t care. These kids needed me, and I needed them. Having been placed in a classroom with 20 third graders of an expansive variety of abilities, I have learned an immense amount about teaching, education, culture, and different types of students. I always thought I preferred working with students in grades pre-k through 2, but after working with my amazing cooperating teacher LaWanda, I couldn’t help but request to stick with her for my phase 3 of student teaching 3rd grade five days of the week in the fall. 

When COVID-19 happened I have never felt for the students more in my life. I will never forget being on a Zoom meeting with my Neptune district partner leader and other students in my cohort. Similar to me, some of the other student teachers expressed concern about not being able to contact certain students or students not participating in general. It was at that point that my partner leader, a former teacher in the Neptune district explained that a lot of these kids’ parents are the ones working overtime right now whether it be as a nurse, home care aid, Walmart, or McDonald’s, etc. and realistically are too tired or don’t have enough time to help their kids complete their school work. That hit me in a whole another level. It was then that I made an unspoken promise that I would be there for these kids to the best of my ability.

Granted I am limited in how much I am able to contact them and wanted to support my cooperating teacher in whatever way possible, I mostly recorded myself doing read alouds and creating Kahoot quizzes. Nevertheless, despite my semester ending 3 weeks ago I’ve written each of my 20 students handwritten notes along with the pen pal form, envelopes, and stamps just to let them know that I am thinking of them. Truthfully, I don’t expect them to all write back, but as long as they know that they are not forgotten and acknowledged for enduring this pandemic, that’s all I care about.

“Life is what you make it”.

A strong yet simple concept that apparently I need to be reminded of.

The first thought that comes to my mind is how my kids in school must look

up to us adults and think, “gee, they must have it all figured out”. I know I did

when I was that age.

Boy are they wrong.  If that was the case I would have saved myself a whole

lot of time and money, haha.

Truth is, at the ripe old age of 27, I am just now starting to see my life as I truly

want it to be.  Although, now that my eye is on the prize of the big picture, I

have come to the realization that it is solely up to me to achieve it.

Up until recently my life motto has been, “I get by”. I’m finally realizing that

“getting by” isn’t good enough for me. I want to make things happen and I

want to feel proud about it. Now that is the type of example I want to set for

my students.

The good news is if there’s anything I’ve learned along the way from friends

and peers, it’s that there’s no time limit on these things.

I remember when I was in 5th Grade my class consistently worked on an

“All About Me” book throughout the year. One page that particularly stands

out to me is the one where we had to draw what our future looked like in

5 years, 10 years, 15 years and 20 years. For the 5 years slot I drew a picture

of my friends and I being in the variety show in high school (not accurate but

not far off either). For the 10 years slot I drew a picture of me in a black mini

dress, drinking beer at a bar (extremely accurate). For the 15 years slot I

included a picture of me as a newlywed and working as a full time

veterinarian (extremely inaccurate). And lastly, for the 20 years slot,

which I am steadily approaching, I drew a picture of me standing in front of

a big beautiful house with my husband and three kids (could not be any

farther from the truth).

In reality, I’m 27, still live at home, and barely getting by financially despite

working 6 days a week. The good news though is that I’m slowly but surely

achieving my goals. I may not be able to change the things in my past, nor

do I want to, but I sure as hell have control over the person I will become.

New Chapter/Blank Slate

Truthfully speaking, over the course of the past month and a half I have A) Broken up with my long-term boyfriend (first love/the inevitable), B) Graduated from Rutgers University (finally!), and C) Am essentially in the process of being financially cut-off from my parents (oh fuck...). Needless to say, I am currently at a major turning point in my life. For the first time ever, I am pretty much on my own. During the initial occurrence of all these changes I felt very lost and slightly scared. Nonetheless, now that I have had some time to fully accept and process all of these different life-changing situations that I have recently encountered, I have finally come to the realization that I should look at this time as an exciting new chapter/blank slate in my life during which I can build a bright and exciting future. 

With that said, I would like to begin this new stage in my life on a positive note. Last night for some reason, most likely because I decided to skip out on my own graduating class's big commencement speech and attended the smaller ceremony instead, I started searching YouTube for some past significant graduation speeches. Much to my surprise, one of the most impactive/influential college commencement speeches given that I stumbled upon was given by Conan O'Brien from 2011 at Dartmouth College. Shocking I know, haha (I've always personally been more of a Jay Leno fan myself). Nevertheless, one aspect of Conan's speech that especially stood out to me was when he said, "Well it's simple. There are few things more liberating in this life then having your worst fear realized". 

In relation to my own life, this could not be more true. Yes, over the past several years I admit I have probably taken for granted/over-enjoyed the presence of having a lover next to me every night, as well as the freedom being in college gives you, and the financial support my parents have always provided me with. Deep down however, I have always known that none of these things would ever last, despite no matter how much I had wanted them to. Well, now that they are all finally becoming a reality, it's like I said, at first it sucks, but as Conan said, eventually it all feels extremely liberating. 

For the first time in a long time, I truly have the world at my feet and am free to do anything. In fact, I'm already starting to have fun exploring all the different possibilities life has to offer. On that note, here's to new beginnings- *Cheers!* (:

You are Young and You Must be Living

Ever since I began commuting to school, I’ve actually come to appreciate the forty-five minute drive. Particularly on summer nights like tonight when the sun is setting and I’m driving home alone with the music blasting, I find it gives me time to really contemplate life and clear my mind. During my drive home tonight I, for some reason (perhaps the fact that I’m taking summer courses), started to really think about college, the real world, and where I stand with it all.

Given I failed to graduate on time with the rest of my class, I think I’m officially labeled as one those morons who are on a ”five year plan” just to receive their fucking bachelors degree. Truthfully, throughout my freshman and sophomore years (ok and maybe most of my junior year too…) I never took college seriously. Under the impression that I would somehow be young and drunk forever, I failed to think of college as a way to prepare myself for the rest of my life. Although I don’t regret any of the times I missed class because I was too hung over, or when I decided to change my major a million times, I am definitely dealing with the consequences now.

Nevertheless, if being a super-senior has made me realize anything it is that the transition into your 20’s brings on a whole new stage in life. Interestingly enough, I’ve found there comes a time when you’re hangovers somehow become worse and getting shitfaced at an overcrowded college bar four nights a week eventually loses its appeal. Don’t get me wrong- the several years I spent nonstop binge drinking, experimenting with various substances, and surviving solely on adderrall, cigarettes, and eggo waffles during the prime of my college experience were some of the best years of my life.  

Now however, as I continue to grow further into my 20’s life is exciting in a whole new way. From my perspective, this is the only period of time in your life that you get to live in between college and the real world. Therefore I believe it is important to take advantage of your freedom and independence, and really explore anything and everything. Whether it means moving across the country or simply trying out a hobby that will challenge you in a new way, this stage in life truly has no boundaries.

So although I may have no idea where I'm headed or what the hell I want to do with my life, I intend to have a lot of fun finding out. :)

lost in my mind

Everyone has their own way of escaping reality when life's challenges become a bit too much to bare. For some it means going for a run or talking things over with a friend. For me it means sitting on my back deck in the middle of the night with nothing but the sound crickets sporadically chirping in the woods surrounding my house, just chain-smoking and taking note of these crazy rambling thoughts that consume my mind or smoking a bowl and writing in my journal. However, it is just now hitting me that these little escapes from the world, whatever they may be, don't actually solve all that much. Sure they may make you feel a little better, but they're ultimately just a temporary fix. Unless you stop fretting over life's burdens and start to actually do something about them, nothings ever going to change.

Come as you are

(written fall semester 2011)
Have you ever wondered where things come from or why we are who we are? As I sit here on this bench in the middle of campus I look at all these different people and think about how they all have their own lives, their own problems, their own ambitions. And of all these bodies fate chose this one for me; and for that I am eternally grateful. But seriously, think about it, for the amount of things we may have in common with another person, there are even more things that make us different. There's over a billion people in the world but I'm me, and you're you. 

times they are a changin'

Every decade and generation is known for something. In the 20’s it was the flappers, the 30’s was the Great Depression, the 40’s was World War II, the 50’s were full of greasers’ and housewives, the 60’s were an era of youth, change, and hippies, the 70’s were all about bell bottoms, disco, and Farrah Fawcett, the 80’s were of course filled with big hair and retro fashion trends, the 90’s were a decade of grunge and good TV, the first decade of the new millennium was defined by major technology breakthroughs (facebook, ipods, etc.), and this latest 2010 decade is know for, hmmm I don’t really know, sucking? For that reason I am happy I’m not any younger, because it seems that with each new decade our lives and environment become just a little more doomed. If I were able to choose any generation to live in the prime of my youth I would choose the 1960’s, hands down. I spend a lot of time thinking about random things, but what my life would be like if I grew up in the 60’s crosses my mind a lot.

I would give anything to be able to tell my future children and grandchildren I listened to the Grateful Dead, The Who, Janis Joplin, Crosby Stills & Nash, and other amazing music artists at Woodstock instead of fucking Lil’ Wayne at PNC. I wish I could wear what I wanted and do what I wanted without being judged, and I wish I could enjoy my youth without having to worry about breaking laws. The other night I was looking through my past journal entries and not too far back I wrote, “I think the reason I feel like I belong in the 60’s so much is because they did things for better reasons. I mean I’m sure that when they were in high school or whatever they did something or other because of influences too, but I feel like at the end of the day they took note of the things that really mattered.” I’m pretty sure I was incredibly high when I wrote this, but I make a good point. It seems that everything about the 60’s was just genuinely real; it’s as simple and amazing as that.

I am by no means any sort of history buff, so I’m sure there are some points you could challenge me on, but I know enough. And I know I belong in the 60’s. I feel like people in the 60’s not only gave a fuck, but also did something about it. Whether it was music and fashion, or feminism and minorities’ rights, people poured their souls into fighting for what they believed. I mean shit, the youth of the 60’s were responsible for an epic social revolution that is still part of the reason why people aren’t afraid to express themselves today. This generation didn’t just exist like most others; they actually lived.

“The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn't the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.” –John Lennon

"The Past is in, the Past" ....?

Many people share the philosophy “the past is in the past.” I’ve come to realize this is less of a philosophy, and much more of something we like to tell ourselves. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty, there’s no denying that the past isn’t really, actually in the past. It’s a psychological fact- if you had a shitty childhood, chances are you’re going to have a pretty bad life as an adult. What happened in the past determines the decisions you make today whether you realize it or not. But it’s like that Perks of Being a Wallflower quote, “"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." – That’s my philosophy

Suddenly I See.

“Are you afraid to fall in love?” We have all read, been asked, or heard this question somewhere along the way. For a long time I thought this was the stupidest question on Earth; why would anyone be afraid to fall in love when it’s such an incredible thing? But now that I am older and have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope, I finally understand.

My friend, who is very philosophical and spiritual, once told me that love has been the strongest feeling in the universe from the beginning of time. I cannot seem to recall her explanation, but I know she was right. You never really miss or fear love until you have had it, because it is like nothing else you’ve experienced before. There are few things in life that you just know, that you are absolutely positive about, and being in love is one of them. That being said, you never exert more of yourself than you do when you are in love; for the first time in your life you would do anything for that person because being in love means caring for someone else more than you do yourself. 

But when that all comes to a crashing halt you are beyond lost. If the one thing about your life you were sure about isn’t real, than what is? This is why falling in love can be absolutely terrifying. It’s not like letting someone borrow your clothes or whatever, but more like completely giving someone all of your heart and soul and hoping they care for it.

For as much as falling in love can be the best feeling in the world, heartbreak is definitely the worst. But after your love is lost enough to the point where you can fathom falling in love with someone else, you don’t even want to; because God only knows it may have the same result, which is fucking scary to even think about. The thought of having to go through that twice absolutely kills me.

But as I have said, I have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope. I’ve been there, but the truth really is you love, you learn. You fall in love and think this is the guy of your dreams, but you know what? Eventually you wake up. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

I guess the good times, they were all just killing me.

Earlier in December between finals and the craziness of the holiday season, I was already on edge; but when everyone started to come home from school, my anxiety grew even worse. I just wanted to avoid it all, I just wanted to escape; and that’s exactly what I did.

Realizing that neither my brother or sister and their families would be home for Christmas made me even more of a grinch. So, after thinking about it for all about, oh five minutes, I booked my flight to Alaska and left two days later. Although I felt bad leaving my parents alone on Christmas for the first time in twenty-nine years, I was excited to see my nephew Quinn and get the hell out of Jersey.

This was my fourth trip to Alaska, and I love it more and more each time. Not only because it serves as an excellent detox, but also because I always end up learning more about life and also myself. Being in Alaska not only makes me appreciate where I am, but where I come from as well. It’s like I get to view my life from outside, which helps me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses.

Every year on New Years I always make a silly resolution like everyone else that I never keep, but this year I have made a realistic goal. My New Year’s resolution for 2011 is to get my shit together. I know it sounds silly, but I’m sooo serious, and my last minute trip to Alaska was a perfect start.

it's as simple as something that nobody knows.

As the end of 2010 approaches, I can’t help but reminisce on this past year. I can say without a doubt that this past year has been the best of my life. Given so, earlier this evening I started writing a blog post about my ten favorite memories for 2010. While I was writing this blog someone asked me what my number one favorite memory was. It took me a little bit, but I looked at my list and narrowed it down to three with which I was able to respond. It got me thinking though, all of these memories I have written about are the bigger things that have happened this year; And that’s when it hit me. Although the obliviated times I was writing about in my other blog are definitely some of the best times I have had this year, my actual favorite memories were not even listed. My favorite memories this year are the smaller, more meaningful moments. And these memories are mine, and mine alone, because I think some things are better kept secret. (;

sometimeswelivenoparticularwaybutourown.

There are some things I want to know and others I don’t. Same goes with people; I know it sounds completely rude or cliché, but I’m being serious. Let’s get real people, there are some human beings in this world you can just not stand, whether you have a good reason for it or not. And yeah, that’s just how human nature works but so what? For the most part I think I am a nice person, or at least I try to be, but there are maybe a very few people in this world I seriously just want to rip on. Yes not going to lie mostly so I can just get it out of my system, but also because some people just need to wake the fuck up. When people are too concerned with themselves or care too much what other people think of them, its annoying. And yeah everyone goes through that point, but we’re not in high school anymore; grow up. You’re better off just being honest, what do you have to lose… the loyalty of someone you don’t even care about? Al I’m saying is sometimes it’s right to do the wrong thing (emphasize on the sometimes).

-feel like a bitch, but damn that felt good.

It's a crazy world, so I stay in mine.

There's a side to every person that no one knows but themselves. It's that place inside of us that possesses our wildest hopes and dreams, as well as our deepest sorrows. It's that place of all the whys' and hows' and what could-have-beens'. Through out our lives we learn to keep a guard up around this personal side. But at some point we all begin to let our guard down to a select few people; not all the way, but enough. And as hard as it is to reveal almost every inch of your soul to another person, you're usually glad you did. But sometimes, oh sometimes you realize you may know a person too well. Basically, in the wise words of the band Jack's Mannequin, "sometimes perfection can be perfect hell."

she went crazy with a calm face, justifiably so.

One sure thing about life, especially mine, is that it's consistently inconsistent. Over the course of the nineteen years I have been alive, my life has traveled several unexpected paths; some of them amazing, others not so much. Either way I truly believe everything happens for a reason. This year alone has had a major impact on my life.

I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but because of my experiences from this past year I feel like I'm on a new level. In the beginning of January it's as if my life took a complete 180. It was at that time my life was at a pretty low point, but as they say every cloud has a silver lining. The shitty status of my life caused me to not give a fuck about pretty much anything. Luckily after I transitioned into the life I'm living now, I carried this ability with me. And I'm so thankful I did because even though I was moving on, I was able to distinguish the things worth holding onto amid all the crap.

I believe I have always been myself, but never to the extent I am now. By not holding anything back I have developed real friendships, and real sentimental feelings and memories. It's like good old Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." I guess all I'm really trying to say is it's a good feeling to know my current values, beliefs, and relationships will most likely stick with me for the long haul; everything can only get better.

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soul-mates and guys are just people to have fun with."

I know she's not a real person, but I have always idolized and compared my life to that of Carrie Bradshaw's from Sex & The City. I find the similarities between our lives eerily ironic, such as her love for writing, passion for high heels, and experiences with men. Sometimes while watching certain episodes I feel like I'm watching my own life played out by other people. But as I sit here at my laptop, smoking cigarettes and writing, I realize the thing that makes me most like Carrie, and that is my girlfriends.

Through out the seasons of Sex & The City, as in my life, Carrie writes several columns, buys many shoes, and dates different men, but it is her best friends that remain constant; And that is what's most important. Whether I have my heart broken, need to borrow an outfit, am highly intoxicated or stranded and need a ride, or simply just want to go out and have a good time, I know I can count on my girlfriends. Carrie could not have said it better when she wrote, "The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.".

My girlfriends are some of the most important people in my life, because they are always there for the best and worst times, for the things that matter and the things that don't. I am extremely grateful for having them in my life because friends like mine are hard to find. People are fortunate if they come across even one person like them in their life, but lucky for me I have about four or five of these girls. And I can't help but hope that in ten, twenty years our lives will still compare to those of Carrie, Samantha, Charolette, and Miranda, in the sense that we are forever young, forever friends.

"You girls are the loves of her life, and a guy is lucky enough to come in fourth." -Big

my mind changes me so much i can't even trust it, my mind changed me so much i can't even trust myself

I know I have a good head on my shoulders, but after the past couple months it is safe to say it's not screwed on too tight right now. I feel like since the month of May a new chapter in my life has began, and it's definitely unlike any other in my book of a life. Within the past couple of months I have done things I never thought I would do (or have to do for that matter), and things have happened that I never saw coming.

I don't know whether I have become a stronger person, have come to fear less, or just blatantly don't give a fuck- but I'm at the point where nothing phases me anymore. And I'm not saying my life is bad now either, because for as much as I have lost I have also gained.... it's just different that's all. It seems that now my life is just constant up & downs, highs & lows; there never seems to be a state of normalcy, or just being okay.

And although I may not necessarily be "okay" I am definitely alright, because i've come to accept that life is unpredictable and now I'm better than ever at handling that. I have always tried to live life in the moment and with a free spirit, but now I know I really am...it's just not how I expected it to be.

trading in my heels for hiking boots

(written 7/7/10)

Summer 2010 is my first as a college student, and definitely one of the most crazy and best summers of my life. For the first time in a long time, I’m seeing the world from another angle. I’ve been partying hard since the beginning of May, and between the beach days, midnight high-heel wearing pool sessions, dancing till I die, drug dabbles, laughing till I cry, and frequent occurrence of drinking until the sun rises, my body is rather exhausted. So when the sudden opportunity to visit my sister in Alaska arose, I quickly took advantage.

I haven’t even been here in Girdwood, Alaska very long and I already feel refreshed. I forgot what a peaceful, content place this was and I’m slowly beginning to regain my dignity and soul. My favorite part about this place is the authenticity of it. Everything from the food to the people here are 100% real. There are not many places on this planet you can say that about. Another great thing is there is never a need to rush. I love New Jersey and am proud to say I am a born-and-raised Jersey Girl, but sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in things there.

It’s about 3:30 pm here, and I am currently sitting outside my sister’s A-frame cabin just enjoying the fresh air, mountain view, drinking a real beer, just thinking, and it feels pretty damn good. Being here makes me remember the important things in life that most of us often forget. Partying and being the young college kid I am is amazing, but when it comes to my sober moments I am beginning to remember how just being in the presence of my baby nephew, a simple walk to a local café, a camping trip, or even just taking the time to enjoy a homemade meal can be so fucking relaxing. Basically, this trip is a friendly reminder of who I am.

I don’t remember where I read this, but I think it is good advice and a fitting end to this blog- “ Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

Love and memories,

Fuzzy Little Hippie Girl (my alias for the week)

I'm Not Normal.

I often tell people the only things I’m good at in life are 1) catching lighters 2) 21 questions and 3) something else I can’t remember at the moment, because honestly those are the only things I can think of that I am remotely decent at. Truth is, I’m pretty terrible at life in general. I’m not complaining about it either because hey, sometimes it’s more fun that way. Sometimes I believe I’m a better person when I have less on my plate. The thing I’m probably worst at though is being normal. I’ve tried for almost three years now and my progress has only declined.

When it comes to many situations I have come to notice I don’t react like most people do. For instance, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’m too nice, I’m a people pleaser, I don’t know why but I am. I have a hard time saying no, especially to anyone that isn’t important to me. Many people see this as being fake or conceded, but trust me I am the farthest thing from either of those two. Whether it be a cigarette, a ride, money, or anything else- 9 out of 10 times I’ll do the favor, expecting nothing in return. Or even in awkward situations; I don’t have many, or any for that matter, enemies, but there are a few people in my life that I’m not too comfortable being around. Still whenever I’m in their presence I treat them like anyone else, even if I shouldn’t. I hate drama and have never been a fan or partaker in it, so maybe that’s why I react that way, or maybe it’s because I’m literally just trying to have fun while I’m young and I’m good at adjusting and making the best of what’s around.

Anyway, most of the time I don’t mind these things either, but every so often all of these little (and sometimes big) things pile up and I feel like I’m about to explode with frustration. But another thing about me, I’m the kind of girl who can be dying on the inside but still force a smile; I tend to bottle things up. And this is what I’m talking about when I refer to normalcy, because along with many other things, I lack the ability to know what’s right and what’s real; I’m not good at knowing what’s considered normal and what’s considered crossing the line. So I’m done trying, because clearly normalcy just isn’t my style.

19ANDCRAZY

(written at yesterday at 12 am)

So today is my nineteenth birthday- my last year of being considered a teenager and not an adult. I know I’m still young, but I can’t help but feel somewhat old.

To be honest, for a long time a part of me thought I would be seventeen and in high school forever, but clearly time flies. Each stage of a person’s life, ranging from the moment they were born to the day they die, has some sort of significance. And although each second of life is important, there are definitely certain periods in life that have bigger impacts than others. I truly believe that over the course of life, a person’s youth has the most valuable meaning and affect than any other stage of life.

When a person is young anything is possible. There is no other time in a person’s life when there are excessive amounts of time and opportunity to explore then there is during your teens. And because of this, during the past couple years I have had some of the best and worst times of my present, and future, life.

There are things I have experienced or learned during my teens that will stick with me for the long haul. The biggest, most important things I have learned though, is the importance of finding yourself, and the fact that some of life’s most valuable lessons are learned at the hardest times. Since my early teenage years as a little freshman I have been through hell and back, but that’s okay because not only has it made me a stronger person, but also makes me appreciate things when they go right.

I dealt with the things most teenagers do, you know- love, heartbreak, self-image, finding your place in the world. To me these are some of the best things youth has to offer, because its during these times people really start to learn more about themselves, as well as the real world. And sure often times the heartbreak and self-image aspects of being a teenager can really suck, but like I said, sometimes the best way to learn is to find out for yourself, and sometimes that means learning the hard way.

I have realized that as you grow into your later teens you eventually develop the mind set of being old enough to know better, but too young to care. Like Bruce Springstein sings, these are our “Glory Days”. These are the years we’ll look back on and smile; it is because of our teenage lives that we become the people we do. At no other stage in life will you have as many new experiences then during your youth, and as written in the book Into The Wild, “The core of a man’s spirit comes from new experiences.” Now I’m not going to get into specifics of my first experiences, but I’m sure you can take a guess at what they were. Every new thing, person, and/or place that has entered my life in the past few years has somehow shaped my life and made me see the world from a different angle.

And so even though turning 19 isn’t any sort of milestone like an 18^th or 21^st birthday is, it still has significance to me. For me turning 19 makes me feel like more of an adult, and it scares me as much as it excites me. Never in a million years would I have guessed this is where I would be in life at this age. All of sudden things feel more real then they ever have before, almost like my youth is starting to slip away. I’m finally at that point in my life where although I still may not know everything, I know enough. I have come to learn more about my own self, and also more about others. On one hand it feels good to finally realize who and what is important to me, but on the other hand there lies the fear of losing all of that. But whatever, 19 means I’m still young enough to get away with things, but old enough too; therefore I plan on living my last year as a teenager out in style. OH and always remember, “growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional”. ;)

yellow bug melodys

a poem by "hila da killa" and "Jeff"

two times ten is 85 and dreams you had will come true.

there is purple on my foot.

and I seen Kustar in a purple shirt right down the street, before we smoke this weed.

listening to Jewel helps too!

now i'm learning before it was only the intoxicated drunken fools.

never apologize for partying (or dancing).

don't apologize, just move your dancing feet; have smiles for miles, as long as you don't have visions from these trees.

it doesn't matter what, just be good at what you think.

start thinking enough and you realize this falls apart in tripped out dreams.

KARMA WILL FIND YOU!

the end is the start for you!