lost in my mind

Everyone has their own way of escaping reality when life's challenges become a bit too much to bare. For some it means going for a run or talking things over with a friend. For me it means sitting on my back deck in the middle of the night with nothing but the sound crickets sporadically chirping in the woods surrounding my house, just chain-smoking and taking note of these crazy rambling thoughts that consume my mind or smoking a bowl and writing in my journal. However, it is just now hitting me that these little escapes from the world, whatever they may be, don't actually solve all that much. Sure they may make you feel a little better, but they're ultimately just a temporary fix. Unless you stop fretting over life's burdens and start to actually do something about them, nothings ever going to change.

Come as you are

(written fall semester 2011)
Have you ever wondered where things come from or why we are who we are? As I sit here on this bench in the middle of campus I look at all these different people and think about how they all have their own lives, their own problems, their own ambitions. And of all these bodies fate chose this one for me; and for that I am eternally grateful. But seriously, think about it, for the amount of things we may have in common with another person, there are even more things that make us different. There's over a billion people in the world but I'm me, and you're you. 

times they are a changin'

Every decade and generation is known for something. In the 20’s it was the flappers, the 30’s was the Great Depression, the 40’s was World War II, the 50’s were full of greasers’ and housewives, the 60’s were an era of youth, change, and hippies, the 70’s were all about bell bottoms, disco, and Farrah Fawcett, the 80’s were of course filled with big hair and retro fashion trends, the 90’s were a decade of grunge and good TV, the first decade of the new millennium was defined by major technology breakthroughs (facebook, ipods, etc.), and this latest 2010 decade is know for, hmmm I don’t really know, sucking? For that reason I am happy I’m not any younger, because it seems that with each new decade our lives and environment become just a little more doomed. If I were able to choose any generation to live in the prime of my youth I would choose the 1960’s, hands down. I spend a lot of time thinking about random things, but what my life would be like if I grew up in the 60’s crosses my mind a lot.

I would give anything to be able to tell my future children and grandchildren I listened to the Grateful Dead, The Who, Janis Joplin, Crosby Stills & Nash, and other amazing music artists at Woodstock instead of fucking Lil’ Wayne at PNC. I wish I could wear what I wanted and do what I wanted without being judged, and I wish I could enjoy my youth without having to worry about breaking laws. The other night I was looking through my past journal entries and not too far back I wrote, “I think the reason I feel like I belong in the 60’s so much is because they did things for better reasons. I mean I’m sure that when they were in high school or whatever they did something or other because of influences too, but I feel like at the end of the day they took note of the things that really mattered.” I’m pretty sure I was incredibly high when I wrote this, but I make a good point. It seems that everything about the 60’s was just genuinely real; it’s as simple and amazing as that.

I am by no means any sort of history buff, so I’m sure there are some points you could challenge me on, but I know enough. And I know I belong in the 60’s. I feel like people in the 60’s not only gave a fuck, but also did something about it. Whether it was music and fashion, or feminism and minorities’ rights, people poured their souls into fighting for what they believed. I mean shit, the youth of the 60’s were responsible for an epic social revolution that is still part of the reason why people aren’t afraid to express themselves today. This generation didn’t just exist like most others; they actually lived.

“The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn't the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.” –John Lennon

"The Past is in, the Past" ....?

Many people share the philosophy “the past is in the past.” I’ve come to realize this is less of a philosophy, and much more of something we like to tell ourselves. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty, there’s no denying that the past isn’t really, actually in the past. It’s a psychological fact- if you had a shitty childhood, chances are you’re going to have a pretty bad life as an adult. What happened in the past determines the decisions you make today whether you realize it or not. But it’s like that Perks of Being a Wallflower quote, “"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." – That’s my philosophy

Suddenly I See.

“Are you afraid to fall in love?” We have all read, been asked, or heard this question somewhere along the way. For a long time I thought this was the stupidest question on Earth; why would anyone be afraid to fall in love when it’s such an incredible thing? But now that I am older and have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope, I finally understand.

My friend, who is very philosophical and spiritual, once told me that love has been the strongest feeling in the universe from the beginning of time. I cannot seem to recall her explanation, but I know she was right. You never really miss or fear love until you have had it, because it is like nothing else you’ve experienced before. There are few things in life that you just know, that you are absolutely positive about, and being in love is one of them. That being said, you never exert more of yourself than you do when you are in love; for the first time in your life you would do anything for that person because being in love means caring for someone else more than you do yourself. 

But when that all comes to a crashing halt you are beyond lost. If the one thing about your life you were sure about isn’t real, than what is? This is why falling in love can be absolutely terrifying. It’s not like letting someone borrow your clothes or whatever, but more like completely giving someone all of your heart and soul and hoping they care for it.

For as much as falling in love can be the best feeling in the world, heartbreak is definitely the worst. But after your love is lost enough to the point where you can fathom falling in love with someone else, you don’t even want to; because God only knows it may have the same result, which is fucking scary to even think about. The thought of having to go through that twice absolutely kills me.

But as I have said, I have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope. I’ve been there, but the truth really is you love, you learn. You fall in love and think this is the guy of your dreams, but you know what? Eventually you wake up. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

I guess the good times, they were all just killing me.

Earlier in December between finals and the craziness of the holiday season, I was already on edge; but when everyone started to come home from school, my anxiety grew even worse. I just wanted to avoid it all, I just wanted to escape; and that’s exactly what I did.

Realizing that neither my brother or sister and their families would be home for Christmas made me even more of a grinch. So, after thinking about it for all about, oh five minutes, I booked my flight to Alaska and left two days later. Although I felt bad leaving my parents alone on Christmas for the first time in twenty-nine years, I was excited to see my nephew Quinn and get the hell out of Jersey.

This was my fourth trip to Alaska, and I love it more and more each time. Not only because it serves as an excellent detox, but also because I always end up learning more about life and also myself. Being in Alaska not only makes me appreciate where I am, but where I come from as well. It’s like I get to view my life from outside, which helps me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses.

Every year on New Years I always make a silly resolution like everyone else that I never keep, but this year I have made a realistic goal. My New Year’s resolution for 2011 is to get my shit together. I know it sounds silly, but I’m sooo serious, and my last minute trip to Alaska was a perfect start.

it's as simple as something that nobody knows.

As the end of 2010 approaches, I can’t help but reminisce on this past year. I can say without a doubt that this past year has been the best of my life. Given so, earlier this evening I started writing a blog post about my ten favorite memories for 2010. While I was writing this blog someone asked me what my number one favorite memory was. It took me a little bit, but I looked at my list and narrowed it down to three with which I was able to respond. It got me thinking though, all of these memories I have written about are the bigger things that have happened this year; And that’s when it hit me. Although the obliviated times I was writing about in my other blog are definitely some of the best times I have had this year, my actual favorite memories were not even listed. My favorite memories this year are the smaller, more meaningful moments. And these memories are mine, and mine alone, because I think some things are better kept secret. (;