it's as simple as something that nobody knows.

As the end of 2010 approaches, I can’t help but reminisce on this past year. I can say without a doubt that this past year has been the best of my life. Given so, earlier this evening I started writing a blog post about my ten favorite memories for 2010. While I was writing this blog someone asked me what my number one favorite memory was. It took me a little bit, but I looked at my list and narrowed it down to three with which I was able to respond. It got me thinking though, all of these memories I have written about are the bigger things that have happened this year; And that’s when it hit me. Although the obliviated times I was writing about in my other blog are definitely some of the best times I have had this year, my actual favorite memories were not even listed. My favorite memories this year are the smaller, more meaningful moments. And these memories are mine, and mine alone, because I think some things are better kept secret. (;

sometimeswelivenoparticularwaybutourown.

There are some things I want to know and others I don’t. Same goes with people; I know it sounds completely rude or cliché, but I’m being serious. Let’s get real people, there are some human beings in this world you can just not stand, whether you have a good reason for it or not. And yeah, that’s just how human nature works but so what? For the most part I think I am a nice person, or at least I try to be, but there are maybe a very few people in this world I seriously just want to rip on. Yes not going to lie mostly so I can just get it out of my system, but also because some people just need to wake the fuck up. When people are too concerned with themselves or care too much what other people think of them, its annoying. And yeah everyone goes through that point, but we’re not in high school anymore; grow up. You’re better off just being honest, what do you have to lose… the loyalty of someone you don’t even care about? Al I’m saying is sometimes it’s right to do the wrong thing (emphasize on the sometimes).

-feel like a bitch, but damn that felt good.

It's a crazy world, so I stay in mine.

There's a side to every person that no one knows but themselves. It's that place inside of us that possesses our wildest hopes and dreams, as well as our deepest sorrows. It's that place of all the whys' and hows' and what could-have-beens'. Through out our lives we learn to keep a guard up around this personal side. But at some point we all begin to let our guard down to a select few people; not all the way, but enough. And as hard as it is to reveal almost every inch of your soul to another person, you're usually glad you did. But sometimes, oh sometimes you realize you may know a person too well. Basically, in the wise words of the band Jack's Mannequin, "sometimes perfection can be perfect hell."

she went crazy with a calm face, justifiably so.

One sure thing about life, especially mine, is that it's consistently inconsistent. Over the course of the nineteen years I have been alive, my life has traveled several unexpected paths; some of them amazing, others not so much. Either way I truly believe everything happens for a reason. This year alone has had a major impact on my life.

I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but because of my experiences from this past year I feel like I'm on a new level. In the beginning of January it's as if my life took a complete 180. It was at that time my life was at a pretty low point, but as they say every cloud has a silver lining. The shitty status of my life caused me to not give a fuck about pretty much anything. Luckily after I transitioned into the life I'm living now, I carried this ability with me. And I'm so thankful I did because even though I was moving on, I was able to distinguish the things worth holding onto amid all the crap.

I believe I have always been myself, but never to the extent I am now. By not holding anything back I have developed real friendships, and real sentimental feelings and memories. It's like good old Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." I guess all I'm really trying to say is it's a good feeling to know my current values, beliefs, and relationships will most likely stick with me for the long haul; everything can only get better.

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soul-mates and guys are just people to have fun with."

I know she's not a real person, but I have always idolized and compared my life to that of Carrie Bradshaw's from Sex & The City. I find the similarities between our lives eerily ironic, such as her love for writing, passion for high heels, and experiences with men. Sometimes while watching certain episodes I feel like I'm watching my own life played out by other people. But as I sit here at my laptop, smoking cigarettes and writing, I realize the thing that makes me most like Carrie, and that is my girlfriends.

Through out the seasons of Sex & The City, as in my life, Carrie writes several columns, buys many shoes, and dates different men, but it is her best friends that remain constant; And that is what's most important. Whether I have my heart broken, need to borrow an outfit, am highly intoxicated or stranded and need a ride, or simply just want to go out and have a good time, I know I can count on my girlfriends. Carrie could not have said it better when she wrote, "The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.".

My girlfriends are some of the most important people in my life, because they are always there for the best and worst times, for the things that matter and the things that don't. I am extremely grateful for having them in my life because friends like mine are hard to find. People are fortunate if they come across even one person like them in their life, but lucky for me I have about four or five of these girls. And I can't help but hope that in ten, twenty years our lives will still compare to those of Carrie, Samantha, Charolette, and Miranda, in the sense that we are forever young, forever friends.

"You girls are the loves of her life, and a guy is lucky enough to come in fourth." -Big

my mind changes me so much i can't even trust it, my mind changed me so much i can't even trust myself

I know I have a good head on my shoulders, but after the past couple months it is safe to say it's not screwed on too tight right now. I feel like since the month of May a new chapter in my life has began, and it's definitely unlike any other in my book of a life. Within the past couple of months I have done things I never thought I would do (or have to do for that matter), and things have happened that I never saw coming.

I don't know whether I have become a stronger person, have come to fear less, or just blatantly don't give a fuck- but I'm at the point where nothing phases me anymore. And I'm not saying my life is bad now either, because for as much as I have lost I have also gained.... it's just different that's all. It seems that now my life is just constant up & downs, highs & lows; there never seems to be a state of normalcy, or just being okay.

And although I may not necessarily be "okay" I am definitely alright, because i've come to accept that life is unpredictable and now I'm better than ever at handling that. I have always tried to live life in the moment and with a free spirit, but now I know I really am...it's just not how I expected it to be.

trading in my heels for hiking boots

(written 7/7/10)

Summer 2010 is my first as a college student, and definitely one of the most crazy and best summers of my life. For the first time in a long time, I’m seeing the world from another angle. I’ve been partying hard since the beginning of May, and between the beach days, midnight high-heel wearing pool sessions, dancing till I die, drug dabbles, laughing till I cry, and frequent occurrence of drinking until the sun rises, my body is rather exhausted. So when the sudden opportunity to visit my sister in Alaska arose, I quickly took advantage.

I haven’t even been here in Girdwood, Alaska very long and I already feel refreshed. I forgot what a peaceful, content place this was and I’m slowly beginning to regain my dignity and soul. My favorite part about this place is the authenticity of it. Everything from the food to the people here are 100% real. There are not many places on this planet you can say that about. Another great thing is there is never a need to rush. I love New Jersey and am proud to say I am a born-and-raised Jersey Girl, but sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in things there.

It’s about 3:30 pm here, and I am currently sitting outside my sister’s A-frame cabin just enjoying the fresh air, mountain view, drinking a real beer, just thinking, and it feels pretty damn good. Being here makes me remember the important things in life that most of us often forget. Partying and being the young college kid I am is amazing, but when it comes to my sober moments I am beginning to remember how just being in the presence of my baby nephew, a simple walk to a local café, a camping trip, or even just taking the time to enjoy a homemade meal can be so fucking relaxing. Basically, this trip is a friendly reminder of who I am.

I don’t remember where I read this, but I think it is good advice and a fitting end to this blog- “ Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

Love and memories,

Fuzzy Little Hippie Girl (my alias for the week)