an all around loon.

"Remembered for setting the world on fire... and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... made friends with everybody and anybody... creating chaos and uproar where ever she went." -Factory Girl

Thursday, May 29, 2014

New Chapter/Blank Slate

Truthfully speaking, over the course of the past month and a half I have A) Broken up with my long-term boyfriend (first love/the inevitable), B) Graduated from Rutgers University (finally!), and C) Am essentially in the process of being financially cut-off from my parents (oh fuck...). Needless to say, I am currently at a major turning point in my life. For the first time ever, I am pretty much on my own. During the initial occurrence of all these changes I felt very lost and slightly scared. Nonetheless, now that I have had some time to fully accept and process all of these different life-changing situations that I have recently encountered, I have finally come to the realization that I should look at this time as an exciting new chapter/blank slate in my life during which I can build a bright and exciting future. 

With that said, I would like to begin this new stage in my life on a positive note. Last night for some reason, most likely because I decided to skip out on my own graduating class's big commencement speech and attended the smaller ceremony instead, I started searching YouTube for some past significant graduation speeches. Much to my surprise, one of the most impactive/influential college commencement speeches given that I stumbled upon was given by Conan O'Brien from 2011 at Dartmouth College. Shocking I know, haha (I've always personally been more of a Jay Leno fan myself). Nevertheless, one aspect of Conan's speech that especially stood out to me was when he said, "Well it's simple. There are few things more liberating in this life then having your worst fear realized"

In relation to my own life, this could not be more true. Yes, over the past several years I admit I have probably taken for granted/over-enjoyed the presence of having a lover next to me every night, as well as the freedom being in college gives you, and the financial support my parents have always provided me with. Deep down however, I have always known that none of these things would ever last, despite no matter how much I had wanted them to. Well, now that they are all finally becoming a reality, it's like I said, at first it sucks, but as Conan said, eventually it all feels extremely liberating. 

For the first time in a long time, I truly have the world at my feet and am free to do anything. In fact, I'm already starting to have fun exploring all the different possibilities life has to offer. On that note, here's to new beginnings- *Cheers!* (:

Thursday, July 25, 2013

You are Young and You Must be Living

Ever since I began commuting to school, I’ve actually come to appreciate the forty-five minute drive. Particularly on summer nights like tonight when the sun is setting and I’m driving home alone with the music blasting, I find it gives me time to really contemplate life and clear my mind. During my drive home tonight I, for some reason (perhaps the fact that I’m taking summer courses), started to really think about college, the real world, and where I stand with it all.

Given I failed to graduate on time with the rest of my class, I think I’m officially labeled as one those morons who are on a ”five year plan” just to receive their fucking bachelors degree. Truthfully, throughout my freshman and sophomore years (ok and maybe most of my junior year too…) I never took college seriously. Under the impression that I would somehow be young and drunk forever, I failed to think of college as a way to prepare myself for the rest of my life. Although I don’t regret any of the times I missed class because I was too hung over, or when I decided to change my major a million times, I am definitely dealing with the consequences now.

Nevertheless, if being a super-senior has made me realize anything it is that the transition into your 20’s brings on a whole new stage in life. Interestingly enough, I’ve found there comes a time when you’re hangovers somehow become worse and getting shitfaced at an overcrowded college bar four nights a week eventually loses its appeal. Don’t get me wrong- the several years I spent nonstop binge drinking, experimenting with various substances, and surviving solely on adderrall, cigarettes, and eggo waffles during the prime of my college experience were some of the best years of my life.  

Now however, as I continue to grow further into my 20’s life is exciting in a whole new way. From my perspective, this is the only period of time in your life that you get to live in between college and the real world. Therefore I believe it is important to take advantage of your freedom and independence, and really explore anything and everything. Whether it means moving across the country or simply trying out a hobby that will challenge you in a new way, this stage in life truly has no boundaries.

So although I may have no idea where I'm headed or what the hell I want to do with my life, I intend to have a lot of fun finding out. :)

Monday, January 23, 2012

lost in my mind

Everyone has their own way of escaping reality when life's challenges become a bit too much to bare. For some it means going for a run or talking things over with a friend. For me it means sitting on my back deck in the middle of the night with nothing but the sound crickets sporadically chirping in the woods surrounding my house, just chain-smoking and taking note of these crazy rambling thoughts that consume my mind or smoking a bowl and writing in my journal. However, it is just now hitting me that these little escapes from the world, whatever they may be, don't actually solve all that much. Sure they may make you feel a little better, but they're ultimately just a temporary fix. Unless you stop fretting over life's burdens and start to actually do something about them, nothings ever going to change.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Come as you are

(written fall semester 2011)
Have you ever wondered where things come from or why we are who we are? As I sit here on this bench in the middle of campus I look at all these different people and think about how they all have their own lives, their own problems, their own ambitions. And of all these bodies fate chose this one for me; and for that I am eternally grateful. But seriously, think about it, for the amount of things we may have in common with another person, there are even more things that make us different. There's over a billion people in the world but I'm me, and you're you. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

times they are a changin'

Every decade and generation is known for something. In the 20’s it was the flappers, the 30’s was the Great Depression, the 40’s was World War II, the 50’s were full of greasers’ and housewives, the 60’s were an era of youth, change, and hippies, the 70’s were all about bell bottoms, disco, and Farrah Fawcett, the 80’s were of course filled with big hair and retro fashion trends, the 90’s were a decade of grunge and good TV, the first decade of the new millennium was defined by major technology breakthroughs (facebook, ipods, etc.), and this latest 2010 decade is know for, hmmm I don’t really know, sucking? For that reason I am happy I’m not any younger, because it seems that with each new decade our lives and environment become just a little more doomed. If I were able to choose any generation to live in the prime of my youth I would choose the 1960’s, hands down. I spend a lot of time thinking about random things, but what my life would be like if I grew up in the 60’s crosses my mind a lot.

I would give anything to be able to tell my future children and grandchildren I listened to the Grateful Dead, The Who, Janis Joplin, Crosby Stills & Nash, and other amazing music artists at Woodstock instead of fucking Lil’ Wayne at PNC. I wish I could wear what I wanted and do what I wanted without being judged, and I wish I could enjoy my youth without having to worry about breaking laws. The other night I was looking through my past journal entries and not too far back I wrote, “I think the reason I feel like I belong in the 60’s so much is because they did things for better reasons. I mean I’m sure that when they were in high school or whatever they did something or other because of influences too, but I feel like at the end of the day they took note of the things that really mattered.” I’m pretty sure I was incredibly high when I wrote this, but I make a good point. It seems that everything about the 60’s was just genuinely real; it’s as simple and amazing as that.

I am by no means any sort of history buff, so I’m sure there are some points you could challenge me on, but I know enough. And I know I belong in the 60’s. I feel like people in the 60’s not only gave a fuck, but also did something about it. Whether it was music and fashion, or feminism and minorities’ rights, people poured their souls into fighting for what they believed. I mean shit, the youth of the 60’s were responsible for an epic social revolution that is still part of the reason why people aren’t afraid to express themselves today. This generation didn’t just exist like most others; they actually lived.

“The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn't the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.” –John Lennon

Thursday, May 5, 2011

"The Past is in, the Past" ....?

Many people share the philosophy “the past is in the past.” I’ve come to realize this is less of a philosophy, and much more of something we like to tell ourselves. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty, there’s no denying that the past isn’t really, actually in the past. It’s a psychological fact- if you had a shitty childhood, chances are you’re going to have a pretty bad life as an adult. What happened in the past determines the decisions you make today whether you realize it or not. But it’s like that Perks of Being a Wallflower quote, “"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." – That’s my philosophy

Friday, January 7, 2011

Suddenly I See.

“Are you afraid to fall in love?” We have all read, been asked, or heard this question somewhere along the way. For a long time I thought this was the stupidest question on Earth; why would anyone be afraid to fall in love when it’s such an incredible thing? But now that I am older and have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope, I finally understand.

My friend, who is very philosophical and spiritual, once told me that love has been the strongest feeling in the universe from the beginning of time. I cannot seem to recall her explanation, but I know she was right. You never really miss or fear love until you have had it, because it is like nothing else you’ve experienced before. There are few things in life that you just know, that you are absolutely positive about, and being in love is one of them. That being said, you never exert more of yourself than you do when you are in love; for the first time in your life you would do anything for that person because being in love means caring for someone else more than you do yourself. 

But when that all comes to a crashing halt you are beyond lost. If the one thing about your life you were sure about isn’t real, than what is? This is why falling in love can be absolutely terrifying. It’s not like letting someone borrow your clothes or whatever, but more like completely giving someone all of your heart and soul and hoping they care for it.

For as much as falling in love can be the best feeling in the world, heartbreak is definitely the worst. But after your love is lost enough to the point where you can fathom falling in love with someone else, you don’t even want to; because God only knows it may have the same result, which is fucking scary to even think about. The thought of having to go through that twice absolutely kills me.

But as I have said, I have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope. I’ve been there, but the truth really is you love, you learn. You fall in love and think this is the guy of your dreams, but you know what? Eventually you wake up. 
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.