an all around loon.

"Remembered for setting the world on fire... and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... made friends with everybody and anybody... creating chaos and uproar where ever she went." -Factory Girl

Thursday, December 2, 2010

it's as simple as something that nobody knows.

As the end of 2010 approaches, I can’t help but reminisce on this past year. I can say without a doubt that this past year has been the best of my life. Given so, earlier this evening I started writing a blog post about my ten favorite memories for 2010. While I was writing this blog someone asked me what my number one favorite memory was. It took me a little bit, but I looked at my list and narrowed it down to three with which I was able to respond. It got me thinking though, all of these memories I have written about are the bigger things that have happened this year; And that’s when it hit me. Although the obliviated times I was writing about in my other blog are definitely some of the best times I have had this year, my actual favorite memories were not even listed. My favorite memories this year are the smaller, more meaningful moments. And these memories are mine, and mine alone, because I think some things are better kept secret. (;

Thursday, November 25, 2010


There are some things I want to know and others I don’t. Same goes with people; I know it sounds completely rude or cliché, but I’m being serious. Let’s get real people, there are some human beings in this world you can just not stand, whether you have a good reason for it or not. And yeah, that’s just how human nature works but so what? For the most part I think I am a nice person, or at least I try to be, but there are maybe a very few people in this world I seriously just want to rip on. Yes not going to lie mostly so I can just get it out of my system, but also because some people just need to wake the fuck up. When people are too concerned with themselves or care too much what other people think of them, its annoying. And yeah everyone goes through that point, but we’re not in high school anymore; grow up. You’re better off just being honest, what do you have to lose… the loyalty of someone you don’t even care about? Al I’m saying is sometimes it’s right to do the wrong thing (emphasize on the sometimes).

-feel like a bitch, but damn that felt good.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It's a crazy world, so I stay in mine.

There's a side to every person that no one knows but themselves. It's that place inside of us that possesses our wildest hopes and dreams, as well as our deepest sorrows. It's that place of all the whys' and hows' and what could-have-beens'. Through out our lives we learn to keep a guard up around this personal side. But at some point we all begin to let our guard down to a select few people; not all the way, but enough. And as hard as it is to reveal almost every inch of your soul to another person, you're usually glad you did. But sometimes, oh sometimes you realize you may know a person too well. Basically, in the wise words of the band Jack's Mannequin, "sometimes perfection can be perfect hell."

Monday, October 18, 2010

she went crazy with a calm face, justifiably so.

One sure thing about life, especially mine, is that it's consistently inconsistent. Over the course of the nineteen years I have been alive, my life has traveled several unexpected paths; some of them amazing, others not so much. Either way I truly believe everything happens for a reason. This year alone has had a major impact on my life.

I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but because of my experiences from this past year I feel like I'm on a new level. In the beginning of January it's as if my life took a complete 180. It was at that time my life was at a pretty low point, but as they say every cloud has a silver lining. The shitty status of my life caused me to not give a fuck about pretty much anything. Luckily after I transitioned into the life I'm living now, I carried this ability with me. And I'm so thankful I did because even though I was moving on, I was able to distinguish the things worth holding onto amid all the crap.

I believe I have always been myself, but never to the extent I am now. By not holding anything back I have developed real friendships, and real sentimental feelings and memories. It's like good old Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." I guess all I'm really trying to say is it's a good feeling to know my current values, beliefs, and relationships will most likely stick with me for the long haul; everything can only get better.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soul-mates and guys are just people to have fun with."

I know she's not a real person, but I have always idolized and compared my life to that of Carrie Bradshaw's from Sex & The City. I find the similarities between our lives eerily ironic, such as her love for writing, passion for high heels, and experiences with men. Sometimes while watching certain episodes I feel like I'm watching my own life played out by other people. But as I sit here at my laptop, smoking cigarettes and writing, I realize the thing that makes me most like Carrie, and that is my girlfriends.

Through out the seasons of Sex & The City, as in my life, Carrie writes several columns, buys many shoes, and dates different men, but it is her best friends that remain constant; And that is what's most important. Whether I have my heart broken, need to borrow an outfit, am highly intoxicated or stranded and need a ride, or simply just want to go out and have a good time, I know I can count on my girlfriends. Carrie could not have said it better when she wrote, "The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.".

My girlfriends are some of the most important people in my life, because they are always there for the best and worst times, for the things that matter and the things that don't. I am extremely grateful for having them in my life because friends like mine are hard to find. People are fortunate if they come across even one person like them in their life, but lucky for me I have about four or five of these girls. And I can't help but hope that in ten, twenty years our lives will still compare to those of Carrie, Samantha, Charolette, and Miranda, in the sense that we are forever young, forever friends.

"You girls are the loves of her life, and a guy is lucky enough to come in fourth." -Big

Saturday, July 17, 2010

my mind changes me so much i can't even trust it, my mind changed me so much i can't even trust myself

I know I have a good head on my shoulders, but after the past couple months it is safe to say it's not screwed on too tight right now. I feel like since the month of May a new chapter in my life has began, and it's definitely unlike any other in my book of a life. Within the past couple of months I have done things I never thought I would do (or have to do for that matter), and things have happened that I never saw coming.

I don't know whether I have become a stronger person, have come to fear less, or just blatantly don't give a fuck- but I'm at the point where nothing phases me anymore. And I'm not saying my life is bad now either, because for as much as I have lost I have also gained.... it's just different that's all. It seems that now my life is just constant up & downs, highs & lows; there never seems to be a state of normalcy, or just being okay.

And although I may not necessarily be "okay" I am definitely alright, because i've come to accept that life is unpredictable and now I'm better than ever at handling that. I have always tried to live life in the moment and with a free spirit, but now I know I really's just not how I expected it to be.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

trading in my heels for hiking boots

(written 7/7/10)

Summer 2010 is my first as a college student, and definitely one of the most crazy and best summers of my life. For the first time in a long time, I’m seeing the world from another angle. I’ve been partying hard since the beginning of May, and between the beach days, midnight high-heel wearing pool sessions, dancing till I die, drug dabbles, laughing till I cry, and frequent occurrence of drinking until the sun rises, my body is rather exhausted. So when the sudden opportunity to visit my sister in Alaska arose, I quickly took advantage.

I haven’t even been here in Girdwood, Alaska very long and I already feel refreshed. I forgot what a peaceful, content place this was and I’m slowly beginning to regain my dignity and soul. My favorite part about this place is the authenticity of it. Everything from the food to the people here are 100% real. There are not many places on this planet you can say that about. Another great thing is there is never a need to rush. I love New Jersey and am proud to say I am a born-and-raised Jersey Girl, but sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in things there.

It’s about 3:30 pm here, and I am currently sitting outside my sister’s A-frame cabin just enjoying the fresh air, mountain view, drinking a real beer, just thinking, and it feels pretty damn good. Being here makes me remember the important things in life that most of us often forget. Partying and being the young college kid I am is amazing, but when it comes to my sober moments I am beginning to remember how just being in the presence of my baby nephew, a simple walk to a local café, a camping trip, or even just taking the time to enjoy a homemade meal can be so fucking relaxing. Basically, this trip is a friendly reminder of who I am.

I don’t remember where I read this, but I think it is good advice and a fitting end to this blog- Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

Love and memories,
Fuzzy Little Hippie Girl (my alias for the week)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I'm Not Normal.

I often tell people the only things I’m good at in life are 1) catching lighters 2) 21 questions and 3) something else I can’t remember at the moment, because honestly those are the only things I can think of that I am remotely decent at. Truth is, I’m pretty terrible at life in general. I’m not complaining about it either because hey, sometimes it’s more fun that way. Sometimes I believe I’m a better person when I have less on my plate. The thing I’m probably worst at though is being normal. I’ve tried for almost three years now and my progress has only declined.

When it comes to many situations I have come to notice I don’t react like most people do. For instance, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’m too nice, I’m a people pleaser, I don’t know why but I am. I have a hard time saying no, especially to anyone that isn’t important to me. Many people see this as being fake or conceded, but trust me I am the farthest thing from either of those two. Whether it be a cigarette, a ride, money, or anything else- 9 out of 10 times I’ll do the favor, expecting nothing in return. Or even in awkward situations; I don’t have many, or any for that matter, enemies, but there are a few people in my life that I’m not too comfortable being around. Still whenever I’m in their presence I treat them like anyone else, even if I shouldn’t. I hate drama and have never been a fan or partaker in it, so maybe that’s why I react that way, or maybe it’s because I’m literally just trying to have fun while I’m young and I’m good at adjusting and making the best of what’s around.

Anyway, most of the time I don’t mind these things either, but every so often all of these little (and sometimes big) things pile up and I feel like I’m about to explode with frustration. But another thing about me, I’m the kind of girl who can be dying on the inside but still force a smile; I tend to bottle things up. And this is what I’m talking about when I refer to normalcy, because along with many other things, I lack the ability to know what’s right and what’s real; I’m not good at knowing what’s considered normal and what’s considered crossing the line. So I’m done trying, because clearly normalcy just isn’t my style.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


(written at yesterday at 12 am)

So today is my nineteenth birthday- my last year of being considered a teenager and not an adult. I know I’m still young, but I can’t help but feel somewhat old.

To be honest, for a long time a part of me thought I would be seventeen and in high school forever, but clearly time flies. Each stage of a person’s life, ranging from the moment they were born to the day they die, has some sort of significance. And although each second of life is important, there are definitely certain periods in life that have bigger impacts than others. I truly believe that over the course of life, a person’s youth has the most valuable meaning and affect than any other stage of life.

When a person is young anything is possible. There is no other time in a person’s life when there are excessive amounts of time and opportunity to explore then there is during your teens. And because of this, during the past couple years I have had some of the best and worst times of my present, and future, life.

There are things I have experienced or learned during my teens that will stick with me for the long haul. The biggest, most important things I have learned though, is the importance of finding yourself, and the fact that some of life’s most valuable lessons are learned at the hardest times. Since my early teenage years as a little freshman I have been through hell and back, but that’s okay because not only has it made me a stronger person, but also makes me appreciate things when they go right.

I dealt with the things most teenagers do, you know- love, heartbreak, self-image, finding your place in the world. To me these are some of the best things youth has to offer, because its during these times people really start to learn more about themselves, as well as the real world. And sure often times the heartbreak and self-image aspects of being a teenager can really suck, but like I said, sometimes the best way to learn is to find out for yourself, and sometimes that means learning the hard way.

I have realized that as you grow into your later teens you eventually develop the mind set of being old enough to know better, but too young to care. Like Bruce Springstein sings, these are our “Glory Days”. These are the years we’ll look back on and smile; it is because of our teenage lives that we become the people we do. At no other stage in life will you have as many new experiences then during your youth, and as written in the book Into The Wild, “The core of a man’s spirit comes from new experiences.” Now I’m not going to get into specifics of my first experiences, but I’m sure you can take a guess at what they were. Every new thing, person, and/or place that has entered my life in the past few years has somehow shaped my life and made me see the world from a different angle.

And so even though turning 19 isn’t any sort of milestone like an 18th or 21st birthday is, it still has significance to me. For me turning 19 makes me feel like more of an adult, and it scares me as much as it excites me. Never in a million years would I have guessed this is where I would be in life at this age. All of sudden things feel more real then they ever have before, almost like my youth is starting to slip away. I’m finally at that point in my life where although I still may not know everything, I know enough. I have come to learn more about my own self, and also more about others. On one hand it feels good to finally realize who and what is important to me, but on the other hand there lies the fear of losing all of that. But whatever, 19 means I’m still young enough to get away with things, but old enough too; therefore I plan on living my last year as a teenager out in style. OH and always remember, “growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional”. ;)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

yellow bug melodys

a poem by "hila da killa" and "Jeff"

two times ten is 85 and dreams you had will come true.

there is purple on my foot.

and I seen Kustar in a purple shirt right down the street, before we smoke this weed.

listening to Jewel helps too!

now i'm learning before it was only the intoxicated drunken fools.

never apologize for partying (or dancing).

don't apologize, just move your dancing feet; have smiles for miles, as long as you don't have visions from these trees.

it doesn't matter what, just be good at what you think.

start thinking enough and you realize this falls apart in tripped out dreams.


the end is the start for you!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

you may get well, but you never forget.

Looking back on the past couple years of my life, I am incredibly happy and proud to be in the place I am today, as well as the person that I have become. Since my high school years, I have faced some major ups and downs that have seriously affected my life. It took me a really long time to get here, but I'm here.

It is around this time four years ago that my life suddenly took a turn for the worse. For those of you who don't know, towards the end of my freshman year in high school I became anorexic. Many people have asked me the question "what made you decide to do that", or "why did you become sick?". I never really know how to answer this question, because truth is, there is not one simple reason for why this ever happened. It was not like one day I just woke and decided to exercise excessively and not eat, in fact at first I did not even realize what I was doing. From what I can remember, I joined the track team, and the next thing I knew I lost 20 pounds and was sitting with my doctor, crying my eyes out as she examined the lanugo hair on my arms and diagnosed me with an eating disorder. As Marya Hornbacher writes in her book "Wasted",
"There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way."
For the next two years of my life, my world revolved around losing weight. Actually, my world wasn't just revolving around my anorexia, it WAS anorexia. It was like I didn't know of anything else, so this was the way I had to live. During the summer I repeated the same routine every single day; I set my alarm for 8 am, ran four miles, came home, measured out a half cup of blueberries for breakfast, then spent the next few hours dreading lunch when I consumed a sixty-calorie yogurt, after which I immediately ran four more miles, for dinner I allowed myself 120 calories, and lastly before heading to bed early, I would spend time watching food network while laying on the couch with my aching body.

"You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget that you used to feel all right. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can't remember what it was like before. People take the feeling of full for granted. They take for granted the feeling of steadiness, of hands that do not shake, heads that do not ache, throats not raw with bile and small rips of fingernails forced to haste to the gag spot. Stomachs that do not begin to wake up in the night, calves and thighs knotting in muscles that are beginning to eat away at themselves. they may or may not be awakened at night by their own inexplicable sobs."
By the end of the summer, my 110 pound body that I had in April shriveled down to about 85 pounds, and I had no intention of stopping any time soon. Clearly by this point my parents had me seeing a therapist and nutritionist on an almost daily basis, but the thing about people with eating disorders is, in order to recover, they have to want it. It does not matter how many people are there to support you, or what pills your doctor prescribes; when a person is suffering from an eating disorder, no one can save them but themselves.

“That paradox would begin to ruin my life: to know what you are doing is hurting you, maybe killing you, and to be afraid of that fact- but to cling to the idea that this will save you, it will, in the end, make things okay."
One thing I remember clear as day though, is the first time I met Liz, the nutritionist I still see to this day. It was one day during the summer when my mother dragged me to Monmouth Psychological in hopes of landing me on the road to recovery. During our appointment, Liz instructed me to stop running completely, which was in fact a relief to me since my hip was becoming seriously messed up from running 8-10 miles everyday for the past two months. Only her words made it okay for me to stop though, not those of myself or my mom. I also remember after she hooked me up to some machine, her telling me how the average woman could lay on a couch all day, consume 1,200 calories, and not gain any weight. This was like music to my ears, it was almost unbelievable. Only at that time I did not understand how in my condition that was not necessarily true for me, since by not eating I had seriously slowed down my metabolism. I left that day with a list of foods Liz wrote for me to buy. My mom and I headed directly to Whole Foods, where I swear it was like I was stepping in a grocery store for the first time. I was floored by how much, and how many kinds of food there was. It was like that part of my past, prior to my anorexia, was just simply deleted from my mind.

"It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of all strength."
Upon returning to school for my sophomore year, after disappearing for the summer, naturally all eyes were on me. Of course I did not know this though, because to me I was normal, and everyone who looked at me or said something, they were the crazy ones if they could not see the excess of fat and flesh that I believed to be on my body. Another thing that often accompanies anorexia is obsessive compulsive disorder. Every morning when I would wake up for school I did a certain amount of crunches and push ups before stripping off my pajamas and stepping on the scale. Stepping on the scale was the biggest part of my day; it had the power to make or break me. If from day to day the number on the scale did not decrease or just remained the same, I was miserable and spent my day doing things that would lower my number for tomorrow. And I'm not just talking about pounds here, every ounce counted. I still find it amazing how an increase or decrease of two ounces to my body weight had such an affect on my daily life.

"I began to measure things in absence instead of presence."

But in reality, I was only fooling myself because in my mind, for each pound I lost, my chances of becoming happy came closer within my reach, when in fact, it was doing the complete opposite. Eventually, despite the grief of my parents, the talks from the people who used to be my friends, and endless amounts of doctors' appointments, I hit rock bottom. The average 15 year old female weighs between 120-140 pounds; I weighed 75 pounds. From that point on there was a string of events that were extremely hard for me, but nonetheless forced me to get better.

"Never, never underestimate the power of desire. If you want to live badly enough, you can live. The great question, at least for me, was: How do I decide I want to live?"

One day in school, my entire health class was called down to the nurse's office for a height and weight check. For everyone else this was no big deal, but for me it was like walking a plank. When it was my turn, I refused to be weighed. The nurse told me I had no choice, it was a state law, and proceeded to make a fuss of the situation. Needless to say, I started crying in front of my entire class. That's when the head nurse dragged me into her office, and told me one of my friends came to her worried I was going to die. I hated that nurse, not only because she was big and fat and couldn't possibly understand, but because she felt the need to embarrass me in front of everyone. But for the record, I was never weighed. I told her if she really wanted to know she could call Liz at Monmouth Psychological.

"Something had been confirmed: I was worth giving a shit about; I was getting to be a successful sick person. Sick is when they say something. Of course, I had been sick for five years. But now, now maybe I was really sick. Maybe I was getting good at this, good enough to scare people. Maybe I would almost die, and balance just there, at the edge of the cliff, wavering while they gasped and clutched one another's arms, and win acclaim for my death-defying stunts. "

That was the first event that lead to my recovery, but there were two, way more dramatic events that included the police, me landing in the hospital, and almost being sent to a group home(twice) that made me realize how far I had fallen. Even after I realized I was seriously hurting myself and everyone who cared about me, it was still hard for me to even fathom the thought of recovery. Although, it was not long after when I went to Monmouth Psychological to see my therapist about everything that had happened, when I gained my motivation. It wasn't even during my therapist session when I became driven to get better, but rather it simply occurred as I sat in the waiting room.

"It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger."

When waiting in the lobby at Monmouth Psychological it is common to see other young anorexic or bulimic girls in the waiting room, and after a while it doesn't even phase you anymore since you are just like them. Any other normal, healthy person that would come into that waiting room would most likely feel uncomfortable and shocked by the appearance of the other patients, but to us patients it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, to us it was normal. But that day I saw a patient that I have never seen before, only she was different. Sitting with me in the waiting room that day was a woman who seemed to be in her mid-forties and her body was completely emaciated. Mind you, I have only ever seen girls around my age in that waiting room, never an adult. When I saw this woman it was like something hit me in the chest. Looking at this woman was like looking at my future. I later learned that she lived in her mother's basement, was single, had been sick for the majority of her life, and it was a miracle she was even still alive. Never before I had thought about my future, and this woman was a living example of where I was headed. That's when I really began to consider recovering. That and the fact I was also given the choice that day to either attempt to eat normally or be committed to a hospital.

"This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that “letting yourself go” could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes...There is, in the end, the letting go."

Unsurprisingly, recovering from anorexia is extremely difficult, in fact it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. My nutritionist raised my daily intake of 500 calories to 900 calories. I know that seems like nothing but those extra 300 calories was an insane amount to me, and I know 900 calories is still below the average intake of a normal person, but I had slowed my metabolism down so much by this point, that this was enough for me to gain weight.

"This is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You don’t really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you."

A common belief people usually have about eating disorders is that the person suffering has an incredible amount of control. WRONG. When I began to eat more normally (3 small meals a day), I began to remember how amazing food can be, but I hated myself for feeling that way. After beginning the process of recovery there were many times when, after eating, I became so anxious or giddy I couldn't stop myself. A common side affect of the early stages of recovery is pure bitchiness. I remember one time I ate an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies all in one sitting. When things like that happened, or when I hated myself for enjoying a granola bar, or taking a sip of someone else's drink, I would take my anger out on everyone else. Between the mental (anxiety, fear, the letting go) and physical (aching body, bloated belly, displaced hip, deteriorating gums and teeth, scars, weak organs, weak everything) I became even more miserable; but still, everyday I forced myself to measure out an extra tablespoon of peanut-butter or peel the lid off a boost, because I knew it was either that or a food tube being shoved up my nose.

"It does not hit you until later. The fact you were essentially dead does not register until you begin to come alive. Frostbite does not hurt until it starts to thaw. First it is numb. Then a shock of pain rips through the body."

After a while, with a better understanding of what was happening to my body and endless support from my friends, family, nutritionist, therapist, and group girls I learned to just deal. I accepted the fact there was no way to half ass this, so eventually I broke down and went to the gyno for birth control in order to get my period (which I had not had for over a year at this point), and took the many medications my psychiatrist prescribed. By the beginning of April of my sophomore year, I finally reached my "goal weight"- 90 pounds. By then I had finally realized that things in fact do get better in time, that maybe this wasn't so bad, and I, still despite my fear of gaining more weight, was even slightly proud. I began to remember what it was like to feel okay again as I slowly entered my way back into the real world of being a teenager.

"And I am all right. We will not deal here with words such as well, recovered, or fine. It took a long time to get all right, and I like all right quite a bit. It's an interesting balancing act, the state of being all right. It's a glass half-empty-or-half-full sort of place, I could tip either way. It's a place where one can either hope or despair; Hope that this will keep getting easier, as it has over the past couple years, or despair at the infuriating concentration balance requires, despair at the fact that I will die young, despair that I cannot be "normal", wallow in the bummerish aspects of my life."

It was a bittersweet feeling when I tried to live a normal life again; I wasn't very good at it. There were times I found myself lacking the ability to differentiate between normal and eating disordered behaviors, thus making some situations such as getting back into traveling soccer or just hanging out with my friends, rather uncomfortable. But like I said, as time went on things got easier and I became happier. It took a long time, but eventually I was able to rekindle lost friendships and do my best at making up for lost time.

"There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier."

So I would like to say that's where my story ends, but it's not. It does not matter if you are happy and healthy or officially considered "recovered"; your eating disorder never goes away. And this is not something I am complaining about, because now that it is 3 years later there are still times when my ED voice will erratically reappear and ruin my day, but overall looking back I am more grateful than anything. Grateful for my friends, my family, my strength, my hope & my faith, my health, but most of all I am grateful just to be alive. Recovering from anorexia has made me a stronger person, and because of it I have developed life-long friendships with a few girls from group, and now see the world through a different perspective.

"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."

I have learned more about myself and who I am as a person over the past three years than I have over the course of my entire life. With each year that passes since my anorexia, my happiness and well being improves. With each year my memories of being sick lessen as do certain ED tendencies that have stuck. Even now there are times my eating disorder still affects me. Obviously not to the extent that it did, but occasionally I will catch myself thinking twice about certain foods, or calculating my daily intake of calories in my head. Also, I don't think I will ever eat soup again. You see when a person has or had an eating disorder, certain foods can have a deeper meaning than just "food". When I first began losing weight I ate nothing but soup, and therefore I have no desire to eat it because it reminds me of that time. But the important thing is though, I am now able to recognize these behaviors and deal with them.

"But to a certain extent- the extent that keeps me alive, and eating, and going about my days- I have learned to understand the emptiness rather than fear it and fight it and continue the futile attempt to fill it up. It's there when I wake in the morning and there when I go to bed at night. Sometimes it's bigger than at other times, sometimes I forget it's even there. I have days, now, when I don't think much about my weight. I have days, at least, when I see properly, when I look in the mirror and see myself as I am- a woman- instead of as a piece of unwanted flesh, forever verging on excess."

I have not weighed myself in two years, nor will I ever again. In fact, this is my number one piece of advice to anyone who has even remotely just brushed the fringes of an eating disorder- do not weigh yourself! Nonetheless, I also can't go a day without chocolate or peanut-butter. It took me a long time to this point, but I did; I no longer let food or my body get in the way of my day, I'm no longer afraid to be care free and crazy, and I am finally able to embrace life with open arms. So to look back on where I've been, everything I've gone through, the friendships I developed, the things I learned- I can't help but smile. I smile because of the happy things that came from such a terrible situation, and I smile because of how far I have come. It took me a long time to get here, but I'm here.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What do you believe in?

I am in love with Jac Vanek. If you have never heard of her, definitely check out her website. I admire how for each thing she designs, whether it be a bracelet or a shirt, there is always meaning behind it. There is one of her quotes in particular that I feel has been written in script across my heart from the moment I read it. Under the image of her "believe" bracelet, J.V. writes, "I don't care what it is, but believe in something, respect the beliefs of others, and keep an open mind."

I love this quote because it opened my mind to what believing in something really means, and how our personal beliefs shape our lives and souls. Someone very close to me once said, "Personal beliefs are as unique as the person who believes them." When I first thought of my own beliefs, I came to realize that I am a more unique individual than I thought.

These are my own personal beliefs:

I believe that fresh air and good weather makes everyone happier, laughing until you cry, finding the joy in simple things, dancing by yourself, to never apologize for partying, making mistakes, singing at the top of your lungs no matter how terrible your voice is, the importance of family, horoscopes, helping others, conserving nature and admiring its simple beauty, taking chances, living in the moment, sleeping naked, depending on no one but yourself, a dog really is a man's best friend, making wishes, always exploring and taking adventures no matter how old you are, dreaming, a broken heart is one of the hardest things to endure and is impossible to get through without your best friends, heaven, natural beauty is the most beautiful, memories, being real; I believe some of life's most valuable lessons are learned at the hardest times, that love is the happiest and most important thing life has to offer, being forever young, karma will always bite (or kiss) you in the ass eventually, to be great is to misunderstood, full moons really do put people on edge, the two most important things in any relationship are honesty and respect, dancing in the rain, having no shame for the things you did wrong (as long as you learned from them), to always look out for hope, gay marriage, taking excessive amounts of pictures, to love recklessly, that no one will ever truly understand you- not even yourself, a little dirt never hurt anyone, that love really is everything it's cracked up to be, first impressions are unreliable and stupid, music speaks when words fail, we learn more from our experiences than we do from school, finding the beauty in everything, there are times when life can be hard for no reason at all, expressing yourself through fashion, our loved ones who have died have their own special way of keeping in touch, abortion, taking the time out to realize the things you do have rather than what you don't have,that sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy, God, less is more, that sometimes a good cry is all you need, and most importantly, I believe in me.

In life, it is really our beliefs that make us come alive and help define who we are. That being said, as long as it adds passion to your life and makes you stand for something, it doesn't matter whether you believe in something complex, such as religion, or in something simple like superstition.

Never stop believing, even if you may be wrong.

Monday, April 19, 2010

and i've been trying to find, what's in my mind, as these days keep turning into nights

Well, it's that time of day again. Night falls, I come home after a long day of school and want nothing but silence and a cigarette. Unfortunately for me, neither of these desires are possible, since I'm the typical Brookdaler living with their parents. So, right now the best I can do is escape to my bedroom and lock the door, as I let the thoughts of the day run freely through my head.

Have you ever noticed that, how when it's finally time to wind down your mind won't shut up? Now I'm not saying this is always such a bad thing, but for me at least there are certainly times when my own mind has its way of nagging on me about all the things that are wrong in my life. It's rather frustrating. And since I have no where to go and it's impossible for me to smoke a cigarette in peace, tonight I'm going to get all these crazy thoughts out of my head through this blog.

Well, I don't really know if I should blame it on my medication, the five papers I have due tomorrow, or for me just being the way I am, but for some reason tonight my thoughts are going in every direction possible. I think that Charlie, the character from one of my favorite books "The Perks of Being A Wallflower", describes my emotions right now the best when he says, "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." What I mean is, it boggles my mind when unexpected negative thoughts pass through my head as they are now. In fact it actually kind of aggravates me because I have no reason to feel this way, my life is going better now than it ever has before. But then I think to myself, maybe that's it, maybe since my life is going so well it sometimes doesn't even feel real. Or maybe I'm feeling all emotional because I am thinking about what my life would be like without all the things that are currently bringing me joy.

But now that I got all of that off my chest it is finally clear to me that whatever it is that's making me all sensitive, it doesn't fucking matter. I love my life and I'm going to smile because I deserve to. Always remember that as Buddha said, "We are shaped by our thoughts; We become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

Monday, February 22, 2010


We all do it, we make plans for our future and set goals we want to accomplish, but if you really think about it, our plans never turn out the way we thought they would. Take me for instance, upon graduating high school I had my whole life planned out. I thought I would move out, attend college far away, meet people who would change my life, do well in school, lose 30 pounds, fall madly in love with my future husband, graduate with a college degree, land a job easily, and live happily ever after. That did not happen, well not really. I did move out and attend college six hours away, but after first semester I dropped out and moved back home, I did meet cool people too, but not exactly different people- not people like me, my grades were not terrible but they were not especially good either, I went to the gym 5 or 6 days a week and ate rather healthy but did not lose thirty pounds, and since I went to school with 70 percent females, I did not fall madly in love with anyone. Needless to say my idea of “and they lived happily ever after…” was thrown out the window rather quickly.

But just because my plans did not work out, doesn't mean my life and state of mind did too. In fact, I'm much happier with my life now then I was than. Sure, I go to community college, have no job, and live with my parents, but it is all temporary and I'm actually enjoying making the best out of my situation. After living somewhere else for a few months, it made me really appreciate my hometown more. In high school I focused on nothing but the bad things about Middletown, but now I realize there is a lot of experiences and opportunities within my reach here. I'm not saying I want to live here forever, but for now it is working out well for me.

And the thing is, life is always going to be throwing you curve balls, so you can either let them hit you in the chest with force, or learn to swerve. Also, usually the best times in life are derived from total mistakes or random times; so maybe the only thing we should really plan for in life, is to be surprised.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy? - Valentine's Day

So today is Valentine's Day, and it seems more people are wallowing over this holiday than celebrating it. For those of us who don't have a significant other, today is a twenty-four hour reminder of how single we are. But you know what I think? Yeah, Valentine's Day is a day to cherish being in love, but it's only one day. Luckily for the singles, we have 364 other days to cherish and celebrate being single- it's called happy hour.

I'll admit it, this morning I spent an hour or so sitting in my bed, eating chocolates, and reading the latest issue of cosmo while wondering if the closest thing I have to a guy right now would send me cute text, wishing me a happy valentine's day, and possibly an invitation to do something. Then after chatting on the phone with my best friend about how much guys suck, it hit me, why the hell are we complaining and why the hell are we spending our valentine's day moping around. Fuck that. Just because we are single doesn't mean we can't be happy today too.

And I do understand it, I know there is nothing better in the world than to lie in your man's arms and forget the world, while he brushes the hair out of your face as he stares into your eyes, or traces the silhouette of your body with his finger tips. That's why love is such a big controversy, and that's why people really fight for it and pour their their heart and soul in the pursuit of it, because truth is, love really is it's all cracked up to be.

But by laying in bed today, devouring chocolates, and watching chick flicks, we are only lessening our chances of ever landing the love we hope and desire for. So to all the singles out there, get your ass up and go buy a bottle of wine (or vodka if really necessary) and drink it with your best friends and reminisce about the past, or even about what's to come. And stop fretting because in this day and age, being single doesn't mean that nobody wants you. Now it means you're pretty damn sexy and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with. Cheers to that!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Life is like a Roller Coaster

Life is like a roller coaster. It's one of the best metaphors ever created, because it is so true. Currently in my life I am at one of the highest points on my roller coaster, I have the best friends anyone could ask for, I am doing well in school, and even my love life is headed in the right direction. I know I should be smiling about this and enjoying the ride, which I am, but part of me is absolutely terrified. The one thing about a really big up on a roller coaster is there's always a really long down right after it. I know that is not very optimistic of me, but i've been experiencing this up for some quite some time now, and I'm afraid the drop is going to come soon- for no reason at all. It is like my life is too good to be true right now, so I'm afraid something will happen to change my happiness, just because it always does. I wish I could end this blog with a positive note like I usually do, but right now the only thing I can think of is to just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and prepare for what's to come, whatever that is. I just hope I don't throw up after, literally.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Ugly Truth

Want to know the truth about men and women when it comes to love, dating, and relationships? Women think with their hearts, and men think with their dicks. Told you it was ugly. But I think the only thing to blame for this is human nature.

You see men are simple. They don't need a thousand text messages or phone calls to know someone likes them, and they rather feel your boobs than hold your hand. But for some odd reason, women approach the subject of men more seriously, and I am not going to lie, it's a fact- women are just more complicated. Whenever a man of interest enters our life we have the tendency to care too much and over-analyze every little text message, every conversation, every move they make. And in most cases we always end up in the same position- alone, heartbroken, and insecure.

And see that's the problem with us women, when a relationship doesn't turn out the way we hoped it would we never blame the guy, we blame ourselves. We punish ourselves because we honest to god believe the reason it didn't work out is because we responded to his text to quickly, or we didn't say the right thing. Well I have come to learn that eventually you date so many douche bags you finally realize it's all a crock of shit, that what happened isn't your fault. Granted, we still might act the way we always have sometimes out of habit, but at least at some point you know. At some point you say to yourself, "Wake up. You are a strong woman and deserve better. Stop putting yourself through hell for guys that are not worth it."

And after you have this new, born-again take on men, for a moment you think since now you know what you deserve this perfect man will just show up at your door with flowers and a dinner reservation. WRONG. Instead you realize finding a decent guy is like finding a needle in a haystack, well at least that's how it is in this town. And waiting on love is a hard thing to do, so all you can do is have faith in your heart, and hopefully one day you will find that needle in the haystack, and know that love you finally have was well worth the wait. So really the truth doesn't have to be ugly if you don't want it to be, because we all accept the love we think we deserve.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Fight For What You Love?

All of my life, I have been told you should fight for what you love. And I do. But now I'm asking, for how long? What happens when you try and you fight for whatever it is you love and want and need, but you get no where? Are you supposed to lick your battle wounds and keep fighting, or swallow your pride and give up? My first thought was if you keep going, you keep fighting no matter how bad it hurts, you still face the possibility of losing, and than what are you left with? But then again what if you stop fighting? You might have the chance to save yourself a little misery and try to move on, but what if you can't let go of what it is you were fighting for and you're forever left with the thought of what if? I don't know for sure, but I guess the only thing any of us can really do, is ask ourselves what it is that's truly worth fighting for.

Monday, February 1, 2010

who i am.

We have all had to do it, first day of english class you are assigned to write about yourself. Now most of us, including my self, write pretty much the same things- friends, shopping, beach, etc., but have you ever really thought about what truly defines you? Of course friends and all of the other things we already wrote about are part of it, but for me it goes beyond the surface. There are things about myself that are undefinable and can not be written in words, but there are some things that I would not usually write about that might provide some insight into who i really am.

The main things that I believe represent my life most accurately, are the experiences I have had so far in my life, and the details of my bedroom. Mostly everyone acts differently in certain situations, and I think that's part of what makes us who we are. All the different experiences I have had in my life are like little blurbs that represent me. For instance, going out and partying with my friends- sometimes I am the the one who is black out drunk, but in other times I am the one holding back my friend's hair. Also, there has been some experiences that have changed the way I look at life, like when I was sick or even when I was just visiting Alaska. It's experiences like those where you learn more about your own life.

As for the details of my bedroom wall, well I know that's an odd thing to define a person by, but just keep reading, I think you will get it. A person's bedroom is supposed to be the one place that truly belongs to you, and is your escape from the world. Therefore, it is reasonable to say you can tell a lot about a person just by stepping inside their room. My favorite part about my bedroom is definitely the walls.

Since I was a junior in high school I have been hanging up countless pictures and posters and writing my favorite quotes with permanent marker on my walls. These things are important to me because for every quote I wrote or every picture I taped, there was a meaning or feeling behind it. Now as a freshman in college, my walls are just about covered. Every morning when I wake up, I love to just lay in bed for a little bit and just look at my walls. I begin with where I first started as a junior, and move my eyes around my room until I reach the corner closest to my bed, which is filled with my most recent posts. I love to do this because I feel like I'm looking at a time line of my life. I read certain quotes or look at certain pictures and it brings back all of the memories and feelings of that time, and it also shows how I have grown as a person.

For example, when I look at the section of my wall from junior year I see a "namaste" sticker and I think of the store Faith's Aura and Red Bank and all the time I spent there; than I see the mosaic I made in art class and the photos I shot in photography, and even though they are not perfect- I love them because they represent my strength when I had when I was sick; moving into my senior year I notice there are a lot of love quotes, and I realize how much I have learned since then; and finally when my eyes come to my most recent corner, it makes me happy to read all the quotes about being young and enjoying the present.

But like I said, it is pretty much impossible to define yourself in words because there are some things about ourselves that we don't even know yet, but that's okay because life is for learning. :)

Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Good Stuff

Most Americans in this day and age go through life aiming to "have it all", the perfect job, the nicest car, the most expensive clothes, the hottest lover- you know the typical american dream. Well, I have come to notice that the few people who truly seem to really "have it all", are the ones with the most complicated lives. They are too busy with their job or too concerned with what they look like to really enjoy life. I finally realized this after my own attempt to get the best things in life, only to learn that I already did. Sure I don't make millions, most of my clothes cost less than 100 dollars, and i have dated my share of douche bags, but all of these things have made me learn some valuable life lessons and made me the person I am today. I rather have simple things that are real, like my best friends, my health, enough money that I'm comfortable, and a car that runs well compared to really nice things that take over who I am. By living simply, I celebrate life instead of complain about it. I'm much happier drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, while walking and taking with my best friends in red bank than I would be driving my Mercedes by myself. So, the next time you are looking down on your life because of the things you don't have, take a minute to examine yourself and realize the things you do have. I bet you'll be surprised.