an all around loon.

"Remembered for setting the world on fire... and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... made friends with everybody and anybody... creating chaos and uproar where ever she went." -Factory Girl

Monday, April 19, 2010

and i've been trying to find, what's in my mind, as these days keep turning into nights

Well, it's that time of day again. Night falls, I come home after a long day of school and want nothing but silence and a cigarette. Unfortunately for me, neither of these desires are possible, since I'm the typical Brookdaler living with their parents. So, right now the best I can do is escape to my bedroom and lock the door, as I let the thoughts of the day run freely through my head.

Have you ever noticed that, how when it's finally time to wind down your mind won't shut up? Now I'm not saying this is always such a bad thing, but for me at least there are certainly times when my own mind has its way of nagging on me about all the things that are wrong in my life. It's rather frustrating. And since I have no where to go and it's impossible for me to smoke a cigarette in peace, tonight I'm going to get all these crazy thoughts out of my head through this blog.

Well, I don't really know if I should blame it on my medication, the five papers I have due tomorrow, or for me just being the way I am, but for some reason tonight my thoughts are going in every direction possible. I think that Charlie, the character from one of my favorite books "The Perks of Being A Wallflower", describes my emotions right now the best when he says, "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." What I mean is, it boggles my mind when unexpected negative thoughts pass through my head as they are now. In fact it actually kind of aggravates me because I have no reason to feel this way, my life is going better now than it ever has before. But then I think to myself, maybe that's it, maybe since my life is going so well it sometimes doesn't even feel real. Or maybe I'm feeling all emotional because I am thinking about what my life would be like without all the things that are currently bringing me joy.

But now that I got all of that off my chest it is finally clear to me that whatever it is that's making me all sensitive, it doesn't fucking matter. I love my life and I'm going to smile because I deserve to. Always remember that as Buddha said, "We are shaped by our thoughts; We become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves."

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