an all around loon.

"Remembered for setting the world on fire... and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... made friends with everybody and anybody... creating chaos and uproar where ever she went." -Factory Girl

Monday, February 22, 2010


We all do it, we make plans for our future and set goals we want to accomplish, but if you really think about it, our plans never turn out the way we thought they would. Take me for instance, upon graduating high school I had my whole life planned out. I thought I would move out, attend college far away, meet people who would change my life, do well in school, lose 30 pounds, fall madly in love with my future husband, graduate with a college degree, land a job easily, and live happily ever after. That did not happen, well not really. I did move out and attend college six hours away, but after first semester I dropped out and moved back home, I did meet cool people too, but not exactly different people- not people like me, my grades were not terrible but they were not especially good either, I went to the gym 5 or 6 days a week and ate rather healthy but did not lose thirty pounds, and since I went to school with 70 percent females, I did not fall madly in love with anyone. Needless to say my idea of “and they lived happily ever after…” was thrown out the window rather quickly.

But just because my plans did not work out, doesn't mean my life and state of mind did too. In fact, I'm much happier with my life now then I was than. Sure, I go to community college, have no job, and live with my parents, but it is all temporary and I'm actually enjoying making the best out of my situation. After living somewhere else for a few months, it made me really appreciate my hometown more. In high school I focused on nothing but the bad things about Middletown, but now I realize there is a lot of experiences and opportunities within my reach here. I'm not saying I want to live here forever, but for now it is working out well for me.

And the thing is, life is always going to be throwing you curve balls, so you can either let them hit you in the chest with force, or learn to swerve. Also, usually the best times in life are derived from total mistakes or random times; so maybe the only thing we should really plan for in life, is to be surprised.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy? - Valentine's Day

So today is Valentine's Day, and it seems more people are wallowing over this holiday than celebrating it. For those of us who don't have a significant other, today is a twenty-four hour reminder of how single we are. But you know what I think? Yeah, Valentine's Day is a day to cherish being in love, but it's only one day. Luckily for the singles, we have 364 other days to cherish and celebrate being single- it's called happy hour.

I'll admit it, this morning I spent an hour or so sitting in my bed, eating chocolates, and reading the latest issue of cosmo while wondering if the closest thing I have to a guy right now would send me cute text, wishing me a happy valentine's day, and possibly an invitation to do something. Then after chatting on the phone with my best friend about how much guys suck, it hit me, why the hell are we complaining and why the hell are we spending our valentine's day moping around. Fuck that. Just because we are single doesn't mean we can't be happy today too.

And I do understand it, I know there is nothing better in the world than to lie in your man's arms and forget the world, while he brushes the hair out of your face as he stares into your eyes, or traces the silhouette of your body with his finger tips. That's why love is such a big controversy, and that's why people really fight for it and pour their their heart and soul in the pursuit of it, because truth is, love really is it's all cracked up to be.

But by laying in bed today, devouring chocolates, and watching chick flicks, we are only lessening our chances of ever landing the love we hope and desire for. So to all the singles out there, get your ass up and go buy a bottle of wine (or vodka if really necessary) and drink it with your best friends and reminisce about the past, or even about what's to come. And stop fretting because in this day and age, being single doesn't mean that nobody wants you. Now it means you're pretty damn sexy and you're taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with. Cheers to that!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Life is like a Roller Coaster

Life is like a roller coaster. It's one of the best metaphors ever created, because it is so true. Currently in my life I am at one of the highest points on my roller coaster, I have the best friends anyone could ask for, I am doing well in school, and even my love life is headed in the right direction. I know I should be smiling about this and enjoying the ride, which I am, but part of me is absolutely terrified. The one thing about a really big up on a roller coaster is there's always a really long down right after it. I know that is not very optimistic of me, but i've been experiencing this up for some quite some time now, and I'm afraid the drop is going to come soon- for no reason at all. It is like my life is too good to be true right now, so I'm afraid something will happen to change my happiness, just because it always does. I wish I could end this blog with a positive note like I usually do, but right now the only thing I can think of is to just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and prepare for what's to come, whatever that is. I just hope I don't throw up after, literally.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Ugly Truth

Want to know the truth about men and women when it comes to love, dating, and relationships? Women think with their hearts, and men think with their dicks. Told you it was ugly. But I think the only thing to blame for this is human nature.

You see men are simple. They don't need a thousand text messages or phone calls to know someone likes them, and they rather feel your boobs than hold your hand. But for some odd reason, women approach the subject of men more seriously, and I am not going to lie, it's a fact- women are just more complicated. Whenever a man of interest enters our life we have the tendency to care too much and over-analyze every little text message, every conversation, every move they make. And in most cases we always end up in the same position- alone, heartbroken, and insecure.

And see that's the problem with us women, when a relationship doesn't turn out the way we hoped it would we never blame the guy, we blame ourselves. We punish ourselves because we honest to god believe the reason it didn't work out is because we responded to his text to quickly, or we didn't say the right thing. Well I have come to learn that eventually you date so many douche bags you finally realize it's all a crock of shit, that what happened isn't your fault. Granted, we still might act the way we always have sometimes out of habit, but at least at some point you know. At some point you say to yourself, "Wake up. You are a strong woman and deserve better. Stop putting yourself through hell for guys that are not worth it."

And after you have this new, born-again take on men, for a moment you think since now you know what you deserve this perfect man will just show up at your door with flowers and a dinner reservation. WRONG. Instead you realize finding a decent guy is like finding a needle in a haystack, well at least that's how it is in this town. And waiting on love is a hard thing to do, so all you can do is have faith in your heart, and hopefully one day you will find that needle in the haystack, and know that love you finally have was well worth the wait. So really the truth doesn't have to be ugly if you don't want it to be, because we all accept the love we think we deserve.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Fight For What You Love?

All of my life, I have been told you should fight for what you love. And I do. But now I'm asking, for how long? What happens when you try and you fight for whatever it is you love and want and need, but you get no where? Are you supposed to lick your battle wounds and keep fighting, or swallow your pride and give up? My first thought was if you keep going, you keep fighting no matter how bad it hurts, you still face the possibility of losing, and than what are you left with? But then again what if you stop fighting? You might have the chance to save yourself a little misery and try to move on, but what if you can't let go of what it is you were fighting for and you're forever left with the thought of what if? I don't know for sure, but I guess the only thing any of us can really do, is ask ourselves what it is that's truly worth fighting for.

Monday, February 1, 2010

who i am.

We have all had to do it, first day of english class you are assigned to write about yourself. Now most of us, including my self, write pretty much the same things- friends, shopping, beach, etc., but have you ever really thought about what truly defines you? Of course friends and all of the other things we already wrote about are part of it, but for me it goes beyond the surface. There are things about myself that are undefinable and can not be written in words, but there are some things that I would not usually write about that might provide some insight into who i really am.

The main things that I believe represent my life most accurately, are the experiences I have had so far in my life, and the details of my bedroom. Mostly everyone acts differently in certain situations, and I think that's part of what makes us who we are. All the different experiences I have had in my life are like little blurbs that represent me. For instance, going out and partying with my friends- sometimes I am the the one who is black out drunk, but in other times I am the one holding back my friend's hair. Also, there has been some experiences that have changed the way I look at life, like when I was sick or even when I was just visiting Alaska. It's experiences like those where you learn more about your own life.

As for the details of my bedroom wall, well I know that's an odd thing to define a person by, but just keep reading, I think you will get it. A person's bedroom is supposed to be the one place that truly belongs to you, and is your escape from the world. Therefore, it is reasonable to say you can tell a lot about a person just by stepping inside their room. My favorite part about my bedroom is definitely the walls.

Since I was a junior in high school I have been hanging up countless pictures and posters and writing my favorite quotes with permanent marker on my walls. These things are important to me because for every quote I wrote or every picture I taped, there was a meaning or feeling behind it. Now as a freshman in college, my walls are just about covered. Every morning when I wake up, I love to just lay in bed for a little bit and just look at my walls. I begin with where I first started as a junior, and move my eyes around my room until I reach the corner closest to my bed, which is filled with my most recent posts. I love to do this because I feel like I'm looking at a time line of my life. I read certain quotes or look at certain pictures and it brings back all of the memories and feelings of that time, and it also shows how I have grown as a person.

For example, when I look at the section of my wall from junior year I see a "namaste" sticker and I think of the store Faith's Aura and Red Bank and all the time I spent there; than I see the mosaic I made in art class and the photos I shot in photography, and even though they are not perfect- I love them because they represent my strength when I had when I was sick; moving into my senior year I notice there are a lot of love quotes, and I realize how much I have learned since then; and finally when my eyes come to my most recent corner, it makes me happy to read all the quotes about being young and enjoying the present.

But like I said, it is pretty much impossible to define yourself in words because there are some things about ourselves that we don't even know yet, but that's okay because life is for learning. :)