an all around loon.

"Remembered for setting the world on fire... and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... made friends with everybody and anybody... creating chaos and uproar where ever she went." -Factory Girl

Saturday, July 17, 2010

my mind changes me so much i can't even trust it, my mind changed me so much i can't even trust myself

I know I have a good head on my shoulders, but after the past couple months it is safe to say it's not screwed on too tight right now. I feel like since the month of May a new chapter in my life has began, and it's definitely unlike any other in my book of a life. Within the past couple of months I have done things I never thought I would do (or have to do for that matter), and things have happened that I never saw coming.

I don't know whether I have become a stronger person, have come to fear less, or just blatantly don't give a fuck- but I'm at the point where nothing phases me anymore. And I'm not saying my life is bad now either, because for as much as I have lost I have also gained.... it's just different that's all. It seems that now my life is just constant up & downs, highs & lows; there never seems to be a state of normalcy, or just being okay.

And although I may not necessarily be "okay" I am definitely alright, because i've come to accept that life is unpredictable and now I'm better than ever at handling that. I have always tried to live life in the moment and with a free spirit, but now I know I really's just not how I expected it to be.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

trading in my heels for hiking boots

(written 7/7/10)

Summer 2010 is my first as a college student, and definitely one of the most crazy and best summers of my life. For the first time in a long time, I’m seeing the world from another angle. I’ve been partying hard since the beginning of May, and between the beach days, midnight high-heel wearing pool sessions, dancing till I die, drug dabbles, laughing till I cry, and frequent occurrence of drinking until the sun rises, my body is rather exhausted. So when the sudden opportunity to visit my sister in Alaska arose, I quickly took advantage.

I haven’t even been here in Girdwood, Alaska very long and I already feel refreshed. I forgot what a peaceful, content place this was and I’m slowly beginning to regain my dignity and soul. My favorite part about this place is the authenticity of it. Everything from the food to the people here are 100% real. There are not many places on this planet you can say that about. Another great thing is there is never a need to rush. I love New Jersey and am proud to say I am a born-and-raised Jersey Girl, but sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in things there.

It’s about 3:30 pm here, and I am currently sitting outside my sister’s A-frame cabin just enjoying the fresh air, mountain view, drinking a real beer, just thinking, and it feels pretty damn good. Being here makes me remember the important things in life that most of us often forget. Partying and being the young college kid I am is amazing, but when it comes to my sober moments I am beginning to remember how just being in the presence of my baby nephew, a simple walk to a local café, a camping trip, or even just taking the time to enjoy a homemade meal can be so fucking relaxing. Basically, this trip is a friendly reminder of who I am.

I don’t remember where I read this, but I think it is good advice and a fitting end to this blog- Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

Love and memories,
Fuzzy Little Hippie Girl (my alias for the week)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I'm Not Normal.

I often tell people the only things I’m good at in life are 1) catching lighters 2) 21 questions and 3) something else I can’t remember at the moment, because honestly those are the only things I can think of that I am remotely decent at. Truth is, I’m pretty terrible at life in general. I’m not complaining about it either because hey, sometimes it’s more fun that way. Sometimes I believe I’m a better person when I have less on my plate. The thing I’m probably worst at though is being normal. I’ve tried for almost three years now and my progress has only declined.

When it comes to many situations I have come to notice I don’t react like most people do. For instance, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’m too nice, I’m a people pleaser, I don’t know why but I am. I have a hard time saying no, especially to anyone that isn’t important to me. Many people see this as being fake or conceded, but trust me I am the farthest thing from either of those two. Whether it be a cigarette, a ride, money, or anything else- 9 out of 10 times I’ll do the favor, expecting nothing in return. Or even in awkward situations; I don’t have many, or any for that matter, enemies, but there are a few people in my life that I’m not too comfortable being around. Still whenever I’m in their presence I treat them like anyone else, even if I shouldn’t. I hate drama and have never been a fan or partaker in it, so maybe that’s why I react that way, or maybe it’s because I’m literally just trying to have fun while I’m young and I’m good at adjusting and making the best of what’s around.

Anyway, most of the time I don’t mind these things either, but every so often all of these little (and sometimes big) things pile up and I feel like I’m about to explode with frustration. But another thing about me, I’m the kind of girl who can be dying on the inside but still force a smile; I tend to bottle things up. And this is what I’m talking about when I refer to normalcy, because along with many other things, I lack the ability to know what’s right and what’s real; I’m not good at knowing what’s considered normal and what’s considered crossing the line. So I’m done trying, because clearly normalcy just isn’t my style.