Suddenly I See.

“Are you afraid to fall in love?” We have all read, been asked, or heard this question somewhere along the way. For a long time I thought this was the stupidest question on Earth; why would anyone be afraid to fall in love when it’s such an incredible thing? But now that I am older and have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope, I finally understand.

My friend, who is very philosophical and spiritual, once told me that love has been the strongest feeling in the universe from the beginning of time. I cannot seem to recall her explanation, but I know she was right. You never really miss or fear love until you have had it, because it is like nothing else you’ve experienced before. There are few things in life that you just know, that you are absolutely positive about, and being in love is one of them. That being said, you never exert more of yourself than you do when you are in love; for the first time in your life you would do anything for that person because being in love means caring for someone else more than you do yourself. 

But when that all comes to a crashing halt you are beyond lost. If the one thing about your life you were sure about isn’t real, than what is? This is why falling in love can be absolutely terrifying. It’s not like letting someone borrow your clothes or whatever, but more like completely giving someone all of your heart and soul and hoping they care for it.

For as much as falling in love can be the best feeling in the world, heartbreak is definitely the worst. But after your love is lost enough to the point where you can fathom falling in love with someone else, you don’t even want to; because God only knows it may have the same result, which is fucking scary to even think about. The thought of having to go through that twice absolutely kills me.

But as I have said, I have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope. I’ve been there, but the truth really is you love, you learn. You fall in love and think this is the guy of your dreams, but you know what? Eventually you wake up. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

I guess the good times, they were all just killing me.

Earlier in December between finals and the craziness of the holiday season, I was already on edge; but when everyone started to come home from school, my anxiety grew even worse. I just wanted to avoid it all, I just wanted to escape; and that’s exactly what I did.

Realizing that neither my brother or sister and their families would be home for Christmas made me even more of a grinch. So, after thinking about it for all about, oh five minutes, I booked my flight to Alaska and left two days later. Although I felt bad leaving my parents alone on Christmas for the first time in twenty-nine years, I was excited to see my nephew Quinn and get the hell out of Jersey.

This was my fourth trip to Alaska, and I love it more and more each time. Not only because it serves as an excellent detox, but also because I always end up learning more about life and also myself. Being in Alaska not only makes me appreciate where I am, but where I come from as well. It’s like I get to view my life from outside, which helps me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses.

Every year on New Years I always make a silly resolution like everyone else that I never keep, but this year I have made a realistic goal. My New Year’s resolution for 2011 is to get my shit together. I know it sounds silly, but I’m sooo serious, and my last minute trip to Alaska was a perfect start.