she went crazy with a calm face, justifiably so.

One sure thing about life, especially mine, is that it's consistently inconsistent. Over the course of the nineteen years I have been alive, my life has traveled several unexpected paths; some of them amazing, others not so much. Either way I truly believe everything happens for a reason. This year alone has had a major impact on my life.

I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but because of my experiences from this past year I feel like I'm on a new level. In the beginning of January it's as if my life took a complete 180. It was at that time my life was at a pretty low point, but as they say every cloud has a silver lining. The shitty status of my life caused me to not give a fuck about pretty much anything. Luckily after I transitioned into the life I'm living now, I carried this ability with me. And I'm so thankful I did because even though I was moving on, I was able to distinguish the things worth holding onto amid all the crap.

I believe I have always been myself, but never to the extent I am now. By not holding anything back I have developed real friendships, and real sentimental feelings and memories. It's like good old Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." I guess all I'm really trying to say is it's a good feeling to know my current values, beliefs, and relationships will most likely stick with me for the long haul; everything can only get better.

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soul-mates and guys are just people to have fun with."

I know she's not a real person, but I have always idolized and compared my life to that of Carrie Bradshaw's from Sex & The City. I find the similarities between our lives eerily ironic, such as her love for writing, passion for high heels, and experiences with men. Sometimes while watching certain episodes I feel like I'm watching my own life played out by other people. But as I sit here at my laptop, smoking cigarettes and writing, I realize the thing that makes me most like Carrie, and that is my girlfriends.

Through out the seasons of Sex & The City, as in my life, Carrie writes several columns, buys many shoes, and dates different men, but it is her best friends that remain constant; And that is what's most important. Whether I have my heart broken, need to borrow an outfit, am highly intoxicated or stranded and need a ride, or simply just want to go out and have a good time, I know I can count on my girlfriends. Carrie could not have said it better when she wrote, "The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.".

My girlfriends are some of the most important people in my life, because they are always there for the best and worst times, for the things that matter and the things that don't. I am extremely grateful for having them in my life because friends like mine are hard to find. People are fortunate if they come across even one person like them in their life, but lucky for me I have about four or five of these girls. And I can't help but hope that in ten, twenty years our lives will still compare to those of Carrie, Samantha, Charolette, and Miranda, in the sense that we are forever young, forever friends.

"You girls are the loves of her life, and a guy is lucky enough to come in fourth." -Big

my mind changes me so much i can't even trust it, my mind changed me so much i can't even trust myself

I know I have a good head on my shoulders, but after the past couple months it is safe to say it's not screwed on too tight right now. I feel like since the month of May a new chapter in my life has began, and it's definitely unlike any other in my book of a life. Within the past couple of months I have done things I never thought I would do (or have to do for that matter), and things have happened that I never saw coming.

I don't know whether I have become a stronger person, have come to fear less, or just blatantly don't give a fuck- but I'm at the point where nothing phases me anymore. And I'm not saying my life is bad now either, because for as much as I have lost I have also gained.... it's just different that's all. It seems that now my life is just constant up & downs, highs & lows; there never seems to be a state of normalcy, or just being okay.

And although I may not necessarily be "okay" I am definitely alright, because i've come to accept that life is unpredictable and now I'm better than ever at handling that. I have always tried to live life in the moment and with a free spirit, but now I know I really am...it's just not how I expected it to be.

trading in my heels for hiking boots

(written 7/7/10)

Summer 2010 is my first as a college student, and definitely one of the most crazy and best summers of my life. For the first time in a long time, I’m seeing the world from another angle. I’ve been partying hard since the beginning of May, and between the beach days, midnight high-heel wearing pool sessions, dancing till I die, drug dabbles, laughing till I cry, and frequent occurrence of drinking until the sun rises, my body is rather exhausted. So when the sudden opportunity to visit my sister in Alaska arose, I quickly took advantage.

I haven’t even been here in Girdwood, Alaska very long and I already feel refreshed. I forgot what a peaceful, content place this was and I’m slowly beginning to regain my dignity and soul. My favorite part about this place is the authenticity of it. Everything from the food to the people here are 100% real. There are not many places on this planet you can say that about. Another great thing is there is never a need to rush. I love New Jersey and am proud to say I am a born-and-raised Jersey Girl, but sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in things there.

It’s about 3:30 pm here, and I am currently sitting outside my sister’s A-frame cabin just enjoying the fresh air, mountain view, drinking a real beer, just thinking, and it feels pretty damn good. Being here makes me remember the important things in life that most of us often forget. Partying and being the young college kid I am is amazing, but when it comes to my sober moments I am beginning to remember how just being in the presence of my baby nephew, a simple walk to a local café, a camping trip, or even just taking the time to enjoy a homemade meal can be so fucking relaxing. Basically, this trip is a friendly reminder of who I am.

I don’t remember where I read this, but I think it is good advice and a fitting end to this blog- “ Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

Love and memories,

Fuzzy Little Hippie Girl (my alias for the week)

I'm Not Normal.

I often tell people the only things I’m good at in life are 1) catching lighters 2) 21 questions and 3) something else I can’t remember at the moment, because honestly those are the only things I can think of that I am remotely decent at. Truth is, I’m pretty terrible at life in general. I’m not complaining about it either because hey, sometimes it’s more fun that way. Sometimes I believe I’m a better person when I have less on my plate. The thing I’m probably worst at though is being normal. I’ve tried for almost three years now and my progress has only declined.

When it comes to many situations I have come to notice I don’t react like most people do. For instance, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’m too nice, I’m a people pleaser, I don’t know why but I am. I have a hard time saying no, especially to anyone that isn’t important to me. Many people see this as being fake or conceded, but trust me I am the farthest thing from either of those two. Whether it be a cigarette, a ride, money, or anything else- 9 out of 10 times I’ll do the favor, expecting nothing in return. Or even in awkward situations; I don’t have many, or any for that matter, enemies, but there are a few people in my life that I’m not too comfortable being around. Still whenever I’m in their presence I treat them like anyone else, even if I shouldn’t. I hate drama and have never been a fan or partaker in it, so maybe that’s why I react that way, or maybe it’s because I’m literally just trying to have fun while I’m young and I’m good at adjusting and making the best of what’s around.

Anyway, most of the time I don’t mind these things either, but every so often all of these little (and sometimes big) things pile up and I feel like I’m about to explode with frustration. But another thing about me, I’m the kind of girl who can be dying on the inside but still force a smile; I tend to bottle things up. And this is what I’m talking about when I refer to normalcy, because along with many other things, I lack the ability to know what’s right and what’s real; I’m not good at knowing what’s considered normal and what’s considered crossing the line. So I’m done trying, because clearly normalcy just isn’t my style.

19ANDCRAZY

(written at yesterday at 12 am)

So today is my nineteenth birthday- my last year of being considered a teenager and not an adult. I know I’m still young, but I can’t help but feel somewhat old.

To be honest, for a long time a part of me thought I would be seventeen and in high school forever, but clearly time flies. Each stage of a person’s life, ranging from the moment they were born to the day they die, has some sort of significance. And although each second of life is important, there are definitely certain periods in life that have bigger impacts than others. I truly believe that over the course of life, a person’s youth has the most valuable meaning and affect than any other stage of life.

When a person is young anything is possible. There is no other time in a person’s life when there are excessive amounts of time and opportunity to explore then there is during your teens. And because of this, during the past couple years I have had some of the best and worst times of my present, and future, life.

There are things I have experienced or learned during my teens that will stick with me for the long haul. The biggest, most important things I have learned though, is the importance of finding yourself, and the fact that some of life’s most valuable lessons are learned at the hardest times. Since my early teenage years as a little freshman I have been through hell and back, but that’s okay because not only has it made me a stronger person, but also makes me appreciate things when they go right.

I dealt with the things most teenagers do, you know- love, heartbreak, self-image, finding your place in the world. To me these are some of the best things youth has to offer, because its during these times people really start to learn more about themselves, as well as the real world. And sure often times the heartbreak and self-image aspects of being a teenager can really suck, but like I said, sometimes the best way to learn is to find out for yourself, and sometimes that means learning the hard way.

I have realized that as you grow into your later teens you eventually develop the mind set of being old enough to know better, but too young to care. Like Bruce Springstein sings, these are our “Glory Days”. These are the years we’ll look back on and smile; it is because of our teenage lives that we become the people we do. At no other stage in life will you have as many new experiences then during your youth, and as written in the book Into The Wild, “The core of a man’s spirit comes from new experiences.” Now I’m not going to get into specifics of my first experiences, but I’m sure you can take a guess at what they were. Every new thing, person, and/or place that has entered my life in the past few years has somehow shaped my life and made me see the world from a different angle.

And so even though turning 19 isn’t any sort of milestone like an 18^th or 21^st birthday is, it still has significance to me. For me turning 19 makes me feel like more of an adult, and it scares me as much as it excites me. Never in a million years would I have guessed this is where I would be in life at this age. All of sudden things feel more real then they ever have before, almost like my youth is starting to slip away. I’m finally at that point in my life where although I still may not know everything, I know enough. I have come to learn more about my own self, and also more about others. On one hand it feels good to finally realize who and what is important to me, but on the other hand there lies the fear of losing all of that. But whatever, 19 means I’m still young enough to get away with things, but old enough too; therefore I plan on living my last year as a teenager out in style. OH and always remember, “growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional”. ;)

yellow bug melodys

a poem by "hila da killa" and "Jeff"

two times ten is 85 and dreams you had will come true.

there is purple on my foot.

and I seen Kustar in a purple shirt right down the street, before we smoke this weed.

listening to Jewel helps too!

now i'm learning before it was only the intoxicated drunken fools.

never apologize for partying (or dancing).

don't apologize, just move your dancing feet; have smiles for miles, as long as you don't have visions from these trees.

it doesn't matter what, just be good at what you think.

start thinking enough and you realize this falls apart in tripped out dreams.

KARMA WILL FIND YOU!

the end is the start for you!