Suddenly I See.

“Are you afraid to fall in love?” We have all read, been asked, or heard this question somewhere along the way. For a long time I thought this was the stupidest question on Earth; why would anyone be afraid to fall in love when it’s such an incredible thing? But now that I am older and have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope, I finally understand.

My friend, who is very philosophical and spiritual, once told me that love has been the strongest feeling in the universe from the beginning of time. I cannot seem to recall her explanation, but I know she was right. You never really miss or fear love until you have had it, because it is like nothing else you’ve experienced before. There are few things in life that you just know, that you are absolutely positive about, and being in love is one of them. That being said, you never exert more of yourself than you do when you are in love; for the first time in your life you would do anything for that person because being in love means caring for someone else more than you do yourself. 

But when that all comes to a crashing halt you are beyond lost. If the one thing about your life you were sure about isn’t real, than what is? This is why falling in love can be absolutely terrifying. It’s not like letting someone borrow your clothes or whatever, but more like completely giving someone all of your heart and soul and hoping they care for it.

For as much as falling in love can be the best feeling in the world, heartbreak is definitely the worst. But after your love is lost enough to the point where you can fathom falling in love with someone else, you don’t even want to; because God only knows it may have the same result, which is fucking scary to even think about. The thought of having to go through that twice absolutely kills me.

But as I have said, I have danced to my own song of heartbreak and hope. I’ve been there, but the truth really is you love, you learn. You fall in love and think this is the guy of your dreams, but you know what? Eventually you wake up. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

I guess the good times, they were all just killing me.

Earlier in December between finals and the craziness of the holiday season, I was already on edge; but when everyone started to come home from school, my anxiety grew even worse. I just wanted to avoid it all, I just wanted to escape; and that’s exactly what I did.

Realizing that neither my brother or sister and their families would be home for Christmas made me even more of a grinch. So, after thinking about it for all about, oh five minutes, I booked my flight to Alaska and left two days later. Although I felt bad leaving my parents alone on Christmas for the first time in twenty-nine years, I was excited to see my nephew Quinn and get the hell out of Jersey.

This was my fourth trip to Alaska, and I love it more and more each time. Not only because it serves as an excellent detox, but also because I always end up learning more about life and also myself. Being in Alaska not only makes me appreciate where I am, but where I come from as well. It’s like I get to view my life from outside, which helps me to recognize my strengths and weaknesses.

Every year on New Years I always make a silly resolution like everyone else that I never keep, but this year I have made a realistic goal. My New Year’s resolution for 2011 is to get my shit together. I know it sounds silly, but I’m sooo serious, and my last minute trip to Alaska was a perfect start.

it's as simple as something that nobody knows.

As the end of 2010 approaches, I can’t help but reminisce on this past year. I can say without a doubt that this past year has been the best of my life. Given so, earlier this evening I started writing a blog post about my ten favorite memories for 2010. While I was writing this blog someone asked me what my number one favorite memory was. It took me a little bit, but I looked at my list and narrowed it down to three with which I was able to respond. It got me thinking though, all of these memories I have written about are the bigger things that have happened this year; And that’s when it hit me. Although the obliviated times I was writing about in my other blog are definitely some of the best times I have had this year, my actual favorite memories were not even listed. My favorite memories this year are the smaller, more meaningful moments. And these memories are mine, and mine alone, because I think some things are better kept secret. (;

sometimeswelivenoparticularwaybutourown.

There are some things I want to know and others I don’t. Same goes with people; I know it sounds completely rude or cliché, but I’m being serious. Let’s get real people, there are some human beings in this world you can just not stand, whether you have a good reason for it or not. And yeah, that’s just how human nature works but so what? For the most part I think I am a nice person, or at least I try to be, but there are maybe a very few people in this world I seriously just want to rip on. Yes not going to lie mostly so I can just get it out of my system, but also because some people just need to wake the fuck up. When people are too concerned with themselves or care too much what other people think of them, its annoying. And yeah everyone goes through that point, but we’re not in high school anymore; grow up. You’re better off just being honest, what do you have to lose… the loyalty of someone you don’t even care about? Al I’m saying is sometimes it’s right to do the wrong thing (emphasize on the sometimes).

-feel like a bitch, but damn that felt good.

It's a crazy world, so I stay in mine.

There's a side to every person that no one knows but themselves. It's that place inside of us that possesses our wildest hopes and dreams, as well as our deepest sorrows. It's that place of all the whys' and hows' and what could-have-beens'. Through out our lives we learn to keep a guard up around this personal side. But at some point we all begin to let our guard down to a select few people; not all the way, but enough. And as hard as it is to reveal almost every inch of your soul to another person, you're usually glad you did. But sometimes, oh sometimes you realize you may know a person too well. Basically, in the wise words of the band Jack's Mannequin, "sometimes perfection can be perfect hell."

she went crazy with a calm face, justifiably so.

One sure thing about life, especially mine, is that it's consistently inconsistent. Over the course of the nineteen years I have been alive, my life has traveled several unexpected paths; some of them amazing, others not so much. Either way I truly believe everything happens for a reason. This year alone has had a major impact on my life.

I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but because of my experiences from this past year I feel like I'm on a new level. In the beginning of January it's as if my life took a complete 180. It was at that time my life was at a pretty low point, but as they say every cloud has a silver lining. The shitty status of my life caused me to not give a fuck about pretty much anything. Luckily after I transitioned into the life I'm living now, I carried this ability with me. And I'm so thankful I did because even though I was moving on, I was able to distinguish the things worth holding onto amid all the crap.

I believe I have always been myself, but never to the extent I am now. By not holding anything back I have developed real friendships, and real sentimental feelings and memories. It's like good old Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." I guess all I'm really trying to say is it's a good feeling to know my current values, beliefs, and relationships will most likely stick with me for the long haul; everything can only get better.

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soul-mates and guys are just people to have fun with."

I know she's not a real person, but I have always idolized and compared my life to that of Carrie Bradshaw's from Sex & The City. I find the similarities between our lives eerily ironic, such as her love for writing, passion for high heels, and experiences with men. Sometimes while watching certain episodes I feel like I'm watching my own life played out by other people. But as I sit here at my laptop, smoking cigarettes and writing, I realize the thing that makes me most like Carrie, and that is my girlfriends.

Through out the seasons of Sex & The City, as in my life, Carrie writes several columns, buys many shoes, and dates different men, but it is her best friends that remain constant; And that is what's most important. Whether I have my heart broken, need to borrow an outfit, am highly intoxicated or stranded and need a ride, or simply just want to go out and have a good time, I know I can count on my girlfriends. Carrie could not have said it better when she wrote, "The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don't. But, in the end, they're the people you always come home to. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.".

My girlfriends are some of the most important people in my life, because they are always there for the best and worst times, for the things that matter and the things that don't. I am extremely grateful for having them in my life because friends like mine are hard to find. People are fortunate if they come across even one person like them in their life, but lucky for me I have about four or five of these girls. And I can't help but hope that in ten, twenty years our lives will still compare to those of Carrie, Samantha, Charolette, and Miranda, in the sense that we are forever young, forever friends.

"You girls are the loves of her life, and a guy is lucky enough to come in fourth." -Big